Some asked me today “How are you?” and I replied “Great” Ok, what’s the point right? The point is that I really am great. Im tired, exhausted actually, confused, worried, scared, nervous, and a ball of mixed emotions but when I close my eyes…Im great.
The journey to get to this place of “great” has been years in the making. There is this one boy that I thank for giving me the courage to follow my heart. Even if in a sense it was too late. At least I finally took the plunge. Sure no one caught me…I caught myself and that is pretty awesome.
Today is July 27, 2006. I have just turned 26. And tonight I question myself just like I did that horrible night in December almost 10 years ago. All of life seems “up in the air” and I lie awake, confused and crying. In the past ten years I have ran and ran and gotten no where. I have not escaped myself or my past. I have simply wasted time getting to where I knew I belonged all these years. Why have I denied it. Why have I fought it. I don’t know. So, you are probably left wondering, where is she supposed to be? Where has she belonged all these years? I cannot tell you that just yet. My heart knows, but my body and mind is not yet ready to release such emotion.
The journey to get to this place of “great” has been years in the making. There is this one boy that I thank for giving me the courage to follow my heart. Even if in a sense it was too late. At least I finally took the plunge. Sure no one caught me…I caught myself and that is pretty awesome.
Today is July 27, 2006. I have just turned 26. And tonight I question myself just like I did that horrible night in December almost 10 years ago. All of life seems “up in the air” and I lie awake, confused and crying. In the past ten years I have ran and ran and gotten no where. I have not escaped myself or my past. I have simply wasted time getting to where I knew I belonged all these years. Why have I denied it. Why have I fought it. I don’t know. So, you are probably left wondering, where is she supposed to be? Where has she belonged all these years? I cannot tell you that just yet. My heart knows, but my body and mind is not yet ready to release such emotion.
The past ten years much of me has been a lie. Well, not a lie, but rather me morphing myself into the idea of who and what I thought people wanted me to be. I realize I did exactly what my father did. He lived that life much longer than I can. He is a stronger man than me. I cannot live a lie or a life I am not happy in simply to protect the secure lives others around me. Everyday I struggle with guilt. I feel that I should be able to bear that burden upon myself everyday for the sake of my family and friends. But I cannot bear the weight of the world. I need to lighten myself and my anxiety and my worries. But in doing so, many will be hurt.
The question is do I love myself enough to live for me? Or do I love everyone else too much and continue living only for them? Do they love me so much all they care about is my happiness? Or do they only love me so much they want me to stay to fulfill there own selfish desires for life? Do I walk away. Do I stay. Do I wither. Or do I grow.
For my family it is this that I wish. I wish they are happy in all they do. I wish at night they hold no regrets. I wish they always feel appreciated and loved. I wish they always feel important and valued. I wish they are always smiling. Why do I wish this for all but me? Why do I not allow myself all the things I would want for a loved one. Do I not love myself? Or am I selfish for wanting to love myself?
I appear strong, witty, humorous, loving, sweet, joyful and I am because God fills me with an unmeasureable joy, one that radiates and permeates my flesh. I glow with his love and his grace. But my bones that are human ache, lie brittle, fragile, reday to settle in and give up to the pressures put upon me. It is time. It is time for God to flow through my veins and renew my body. It is time for God to remove the people from my life that are not supporting me and the plans the Lord has for me. It is time to see ME be ME. It is time for god to break these ties holding me down. It is time to fight back. Time to let go. Time to stand up for myself and the plans God has for me. Time to remove the negative and surround myself by only those who can encourage me and bring me up. It is time.
Almost a year passed….a year of trying so hard to be myself…to be strong…
Im March of 2007 I wrote this in my journal
Tonight it is March 19, 2007. I realized my book has been almost 10 years in the making. And tonight, I realized December 26th 1997 was the last time I was alive. I never woke up… until now. And just when I thought the story would be ending, I am realizing it hasent yet begun. Today is a new day. A first we can say. The day I say enough about you, what about me. The first day I look into the mirror and Alyson smiles back. It feels good to be back.
Again, what is the point? The point is that not many people can recall the exact moment where they made a decision to do something and just did it. The day we stopped pretending and started living, a moment of brutal honesty. Not to others but to ourselves. The hardest part on life is to admit our mistakes, to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and just freakin change it. I changed it. And that’s why I feel great. I broke the ties holding me down. I walked away from the bad. I had the courage and bravery to be on my own. I was strong enough to be myself and not live in the shadow of someone insecure. I didn’t have to be like them. I had a mind of my own. I used it. I willingly became a single mother. I willingly became a divorced woman. I willingly became myself again. Things in life are only complicated if we let them be…I wish I got that sooner. If your not happy, change it. If your not successful, become it. My father always said “Live each moment” I agree, just making sure you are living it on your terms and not at the expense of another.
Tonight it is March 19, 2007. I realized my book has been almost 10 years in the making. And tonight, I realized December 26th 1997 was the last time I was alive. I never woke up… until now. And just when I thought the story would be ending, I am realizing it hasent yet begun. Today is a new day. A first we can say. The day I say enough about you, what about me. The first day I look into the mirror and Alyson smiles back. It feels good to be back.
Again, what is the point? The point is that not many people can recall the exact moment where they made a decision to do something and just did it. The day we stopped pretending and started living, a moment of brutal honesty. Not to others but to ourselves. The hardest part on life is to admit our mistakes, to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and just freakin change it. I changed it. And that’s why I feel great. I broke the ties holding me down. I walked away from the bad. I had the courage and bravery to be on my own. I was strong enough to be myself and not live in the shadow of someone insecure. I didn’t have to be like them. I had a mind of my own. I used it. I willingly became a single mother. I willingly became a divorced woman. I willingly became myself again. Things in life are only complicated if we let them be…I wish I got that sooner. If your not happy, change it. If your not successful, become it. My father always said “Live each moment” I agree, just making sure you are living it on your terms and not at the expense of another.
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