"I have wrestled with the idea of leaving these last pages blank until the ring is slipped upon my finger by his loving hands but in life, true faith is speaking and believing in which we cannot see, that which has not happened yet. Faith is a boldness and certainty that puts mere thoughts into reality. It is about seeing what we desire and speaking it into existence as God spoke life into this world. Faith may sometimes look crazy, irrational, and you may seem like a dreamer but it is in that part of your heart that belief overflows and ripples through your existence and pushes you into thriving.
I have not suffered for 12 years only to come this far to say God bless and end this story. You see, after all I have been through and all that I know and all that I do not know, I have yet to fully accept what God has promised me. Fear of change, lack of self worth, and many other things stand in the way of my blessings, but meeting this man that amplifies Gods love before my very eyes leaves me no choice but to close my eyes, tell myself I am worth it, and say…yes. To him, to God, to life.
There is no diamond on my hand yet I know without a doubt that the silver man is mine. There are no wings on my back yet I know without a doubt that I when the Lord calls me home, I will dwell in heaven. I must go beyond the surface to where my true self can be discovered. You will not see my definition in a mirror reflection nor see my true self on a 14karat gold band. My life, myself is engraved in my wounds, deep within the flesh, straight to the heart and piercing my soul. My beauty is not smoothed across my skin or made pretty by covering it in pink and my faith is not found in my porcelain complexion for all to see.
My faith has been sown in my suffering and watered in my tears. Anguish has not destroyed but nourished this tiny seed and today December 17, 2009 beauty is emerging. It has found its way through the muddy soil and is reaching towards the sun and the promises of life and love. Today, I will say yes. Today, I will grow into the woman I desire to be and the woman God designed me to be. Today, my end, has truly become my beginning.
This journey has taken many turns. Detours and one ways appeared out of thin air. I was often left with no map and no companions. I was left to find my own way, which at moments seemed so cruel. However, it was in those quiet solitude times that I would fall to my knees and listen to God speak, to my own heart speak and there, in the hard times Gods grace would fall like spring rain.
As the sun rose after a long period of darkness, the dew would rise to meet it as if they were old friends. The dampness would begin to lift and the coldness would begin to warm and hope was in every sunbeam. My feet and dreams would rise as well looking forward to a brighter today.
Just as my mind began to fall back into thoughts of why I had to endure a storm, a tiny green leaf peaked above the muck. It needed that rain to grow. It needed the sun to grow. It needed space and time to grow. Just like me.
I hope to never be plucked from the soil. I hope to add beauty and color to everyone that may come across my path and if they too find themselves in a storm, I will hope that my blossoms will blow in the wind to show them, that their, in the storm, faith will move you. It is unseen yet powerful. It has the ability to move you, if you choose not to fight it.
I hope to never be plucked from the soil. I hope to add beauty and color to everyone that may come across my path and if they too find themselves in a storm, I will hope that my blossoms will blow in the wind to show them, that their, in the storm, faith will move you. It is unseen yet powerful. It has the ability to move you, if you choose not to fight it.
On my belly you fill find a road map of scars. Upon my forearms you will find a list of scars. The ones cut deep into my flesh tell a story of a girl who endured much pain and the ones on my arms tell a story of a girl who knew that Gods lessons were in every stitch, every incision, every word. In the good times, He was there. In the bad times, He was there and in the times when I cried out wondering if He was there, He showed me through his grace and through the joy that came through my smile and reached others, that He would always be there. That with each scar, not only tissue was formed but faith was formed.
My flesh had been bound together with sutures and skin but my spirit had been bound to Gods joy with faith. My flawed flesh tells not a story of defeat but a story of triumph. I am not great war hero decorated with purple hearts or gold medals to display nor do I show great battle wounds, rather I carry a heart of gold, demonstrate the gift of compassion and am proudly covered in my scars of faith." ~Angel Alyson
