Today has been a day filled with mixed emotions. My best friend got married and I was not there. She is also about to deliver a baby any day now. Those two topics have been haunting my mind like a plague. Marriage and babies. One may say my biological clock is ticking, others may say I am simply in love, some call me a dreamer, but tonight as much as I try to remain hopeful, I am left feeling hopeless.
My body today is stable but in a few months that could all be very different. I dont want to get married from a hospital bed. I do not want to turn 30 and here the doctor say I can no longer have children. It is very stressful to want so badly to move forward yet be forced to stay where you are. Marriage and babies takes two and well...its only my desire. I have been thinking alot about my dreams in life and today my best friend lived my dream. I love her and if I cannot have my dream, I am glad it is her.
My City of Angels soundtrack is playing and my room is dimly lit. I am here alone, wondering when the pillow next to me will offer a permanent occupant. Why is mind thinking of all of this? Because I am a woman? Because something inside is telling me I need to hurry? Because something has been told to me?
Since I was 17 nothing in my life has been stable or secure, especially in relationships. Is it wrong that I want to get married and love one man forever? Is it wrong that I want to grow old with him? Is it wrong that I want to have his babies?
Why is it that after I swore off men, love, and more children, I find myself wanting those exact things. Perhaps I should simply purchase a new pair of high heels to get me by until I have some answers...I may need a purse to, and some cloths...these are some pretty big feelings and desires to shop off.
Tonight, well, this morning...I will try to lay here and listen for God. I need some serious answers...I need to be asked some serious questions. I dont feel very special tonight. I feel like a torn and tattered mother who doesnt eat, barely sleeps, and fights with her own body day in and day out. When I get in these moods, I am left with only one thing to do. Take photos to prove that I am not yet broken, that I am beautiful with dark circles and all, and most of all to prove to myself that after all the crap I have been through, I can still find an ounce of beauty and hope within me, to go on another day.
I am going to go snuggle in my sons room. I do not want to be alone tonight...
"There is no diamond on my hand yet I know without a doubt that the silverman is mine. There are no wings on my back yet I know without a doubt that I when the Lord calls me home, I will dwell in heaven. I must go beyond the surface to where my true self can be discovered. You will not see my definition in a mirror reflection nor see my true self on a 14karat gold band. My life, myself is engraved in my wounds, deep within the flesh, straight to the heart and piercing my soul. My beauty is not smoothed across my skin or made pretty by covering it in pink and my faith is not found in my porcleian complexion for all to see. My faith has been sewn in my suffering and watered in my tears. Anguish has not destroyed but nourished this tiny seed and today December 17, 2009 beauty is emerging. It has found its way through the muddy soil and is reaching twards the sun and the promises of life and love. Today, I will say yes..." Mandee Alyson
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