I stood on the grounds of Solano State Prison. I stood in a line for over 4 hours under an awning waiting for my visit. I leaned against a palm tree as the rain moved over the hills and found myself in the most awkward place. The deserts surrounded me and the dry hills reached twards the horizon. The sun began to rise but the grey clouds interfered. Lightening branched out across the open terrain. The grey sky turned into a blue and the wind moved in. The branches of the palm began to rustle and a single rain drop fell upon my chest. Underneath this single droplet was my heart in ink. As the dry wind quickly turned into dampness and whistled through my hair I was filled with life, answers and a sense of peace flooded over me like a storm to parched land. The rain was an inconvenience, interfered with my plans and made my makeup run. This all seemed cruel and disappointing until my eyes looked over the chain link fence. Without the storms in my life, I would not grow. Painful or not, it must be. I could remain a parched plant in a vast desert merely existing or I could pray for rain to make me grow into something so beautiful that it would catch the most undeserving of eyes. I wanted to dazzle and shine. I wanted to be a light in the darkest of places, in the worst of times and undeniably be the one who choose suffering so that I could offer compassion.
My surroundings began one of the most beautiful I had ever seen. The skies of grey and blue illuminated and the light came crashing down. The hills blended themselves into the sands of the desert and the colors merged like water color. Unable to tell where heaven started and where earth began. The palm tree shaded me from the rain as it began to fall like hope on the darkest of days. I stepped outside the shelter and walked to the chain link fence. I stood there with one hand grasping the metal triangles, fingers intertwined trying to feel into the world just beyond my reach. I closed my eyes to feel the pain locked inside, to feel the regret, the worry, the despair. My hair became saturated and so did my heart. My green eyes much like the palms leaves opened and peeked through the cage. I did not see a prison, I saw myself.
Here I was in the middle of this beautiful landscape carved by God himself. Every grain of sand and every dried branch placed by His mighty hand. The palms danced like joy and the winds moved like His spirit. Graceful, timely, quiet and swift. The breeze was cool and it was quiet and just when I found peace I looked inside the walls on myself. I saw myself a prisoner of my own self. The cememt walls around me were not built by any other than myself. The chains that grasped my limbs were not held on by a shackle or a lock, rather by my own choice to let them remain. I built walls to keep others out and to keep myself in. I realized that being a prisoner is not scary but freeing is. I planned my life each cinder block at a time to protect myself. I placed emotional guards at every exit to ensure my heart didn’t go beyond its limits. I took away my name because it meant loveable and exchanged it for a number hoping to get lost in the pile and not be held accountable for my actions. I took away the foods that were savory and fed all of me and instead took bread and water only to sustain me enough to keep me alive. I was scared to thrive. I kept only one roommate so that when they left me too like the others it wouldn’t hurt as bad. I inked my flesh to tell my story because I was too ashamed and scared to do so myself. I took away my voice so that others wouldn’t know how badly I was hurting inside. I hid myself in the corners of a cell that I myself created. The stones of mistakes piled up and before I knew it, I was confined by my own convictions. I was my own jury, I was my own judge, I was my own sentence. No one placed any limitations on me other than myself.
My second hand reached up to the gate and I held on as if it were me. Holding tighter and tighter so afraid to let go. Afraid to enjoy the beauty outside, afraid to experience joy, afraid to become a name and not a number, afraid to love, afraid to live, afraid to be held accountable for my decisions. As the tears fell they called number 194. I looked down at my ticket and realized that I wasn’t about to step foot into a prison, I was about to step out of one. I wiped the tears, looked at my number and walked into the gates. 6 gates, endless guards, hundreds of inmates and I realized the only one that could keep me from my freedom was me. I left my chains, my number, my regrets, my mistakes and my own worst enemy named myself in those 4 walls and I walked out a free woman. Ready to live, ready to receive and ready to love. “Nothing can separate us from the LOVE of God, NOTHING” Not even ourselves.
My surroundings began one of the most beautiful I had ever seen. The skies of grey and blue illuminated and the light came crashing down. The hills blended themselves into the sands of the desert and the colors merged like water color. Unable to tell where heaven started and where earth began. The palm tree shaded me from the rain as it began to fall like hope on the darkest of days. I stepped outside the shelter and walked to the chain link fence. I stood there with one hand grasping the metal triangles, fingers intertwined trying to feel into the world just beyond my reach. I closed my eyes to feel the pain locked inside, to feel the regret, the worry, the despair. My hair became saturated and so did my heart. My green eyes much like the palms leaves opened and peeked through the cage. I did not see a prison, I saw myself.
Here I was in the middle of this beautiful landscape carved by God himself. Every grain of sand and every dried branch placed by His mighty hand. The palms danced like joy and the winds moved like His spirit. Graceful, timely, quiet and swift. The breeze was cool and it was quiet and just when I found peace I looked inside the walls on myself. I saw myself a prisoner of my own self. The cememt walls around me were not built by any other than myself. The chains that grasped my limbs were not held on by a shackle or a lock, rather by my own choice to let them remain. I built walls to keep others out and to keep myself in. I realized that being a prisoner is not scary but freeing is. I planned my life each cinder block at a time to protect myself. I placed emotional guards at every exit to ensure my heart didn’t go beyond its limits. I took away my name because it meant loveable and exchanged it for a number hoping to get lost in the pile and not be held accountable for my actions. I took away the foods that were savory and fed all of me and instead took bread and water only to sustain me enough to keep me alive. I was scared to thrive. I kept only one roommate so that when they left me too like the others it wouldn’t hurt as bad. I inked my flesh to tell my story because I was too ashamed and scared to do so myself. I took away my voice so that others wouldn’t know how badly I was hurting inside. I hid myself in the corners of a cell that I myself created. The stones of mistakes piled up and before I knew it, I was confined by my own convictions. I was my own jury, I was my own judge, I was my own sentence. No one placed any limitations on me other than myself.
My second hand reached up to the gate and I held on as if it were me. Holding tighter and tighter so afraid to let go. Afraid to enjoy the beauty outside, afraid to experience joy, afraid to become a name and not a number, afraid to love, afraid to live, afraid to be held accountable for my decisions. As the tears fell they called number 194. I looked down at my ticket and realized that I wasn’t about to step foot into a prison, I was about to step out of one. I wiped the tears, looked at my number and walked into the gates. 6 gates, endless guards, hundreds of inmates and I realized the only one that could keep me from my freedom was me. I left my chains, my number, my regrets, my mistakes and my own worst enemy named myself in those 4 walls and I walked out a free woman. Ready to live, ready to receive and ready to love. “Nothing can separate us from the LOVE of God, NOTHING” Not even ourselves.
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