Missing Pieces

Gods word tell us that... “Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense. There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance. In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of them all is love.”

Just over one month ago I cried out to the Lord in agony, in confusion, in despair. I laughed at the meaning of my name, Mandee which means "loveable". Hearing my name seemed like a cruel reminder of the many short comings in my 29 years. Every time my name was spoken I felt another piece of my fragile heart break off and vanish into a sea of self pitty.

At age 17 I was diagnosed with a life threatening heart condition. I was labeled with a heart of gold. No known cure, may be fatal and may lead to rude awakenings. In the early hours just before the sun peaked over the horizon with a glow of amber, my heart mocked my names meaning one last time. I looked out the window with tears pouring silently from my eyes.

My soul overflowed with past regrets and broken promises. I couldn't speak, I couldn't talk, I couldn't even pray. All I could do was hope that the silent pleas buried beneath the clutter of my heart would somehow fly to meet God in a place where my desires could be heard with urgency and answered with His grace. I rolled my eyes as my lips quivered wondering how God could be so cruel.

I looked at the 14 raised flesh marks drapped down my abdomain, I ran my finger across my once split lip, I held my belly as a grieving mother of angels I never got to hold, and looked at my empty ring finger. I clenched my teeth and touched the scar upon my neck. I heard the tapes of demeaning words and saw a clenched fist starring at my porcelain face. I stretched my neck that was once torn from wrestling a man who tried to take what was not his.

How much must one human being endure before they can experience Gods grace? How long must one suffer before they can experience healing? How long can one person love without being loved in return? How much? How long? I fell asleep around 5:30am. I was awakened around 7:00am by an incoming text message that read "You are loveable. More than you know." My phone had never seen this number before yet when I read it I knew the face behind these life saving words. This is where I, Mandee, fell in love for what I consider, the first time and what I believe to be the last time.

Did God send me an angel to love? Or did God send me a man who loved me as if I were an angel? Or was it both? This man has mended my tattered heart. He has helped restore my soul. He has renewed my hope and triggered an over all healing. He has given without asking to receive. He has showered me in a love so pure, that it could only be from God. He has brought me to life. He has colored my world. He has awakened my spirit and brought joy to my heart. His smile flows through me like a flash of lightening. His embrace warms me like the summer sun. I can hear his prayers and feel his sincerity rush through my veins. As his love fills me, the pain and past is pushed out. I am renewed. I am restored. I am rested. Peaceful in his arms, safe in his hands, and content in his eyes. Enlightened my his words, moved by his thoughts and driven by his ambitions.

Love at first sight, my soul mate, my companion, my missing piece, a part of me, the better part of me, my everything, my breath, my reason for living, one thing I'd die for...he has things I never knew I needed and is more than I could ever want. Cliche perhaps and over used, these words grace many famous novels and speak on many big screens yet they never had meaning until I looked into his eyes. Truth happened in his eyes. The gray all became black and white. The worry vanished. The fear withdrew. The anger was extinguished. The pain was eased and time stopped. For a brief moment after our first embrace I wished I could go back in time to when I first stood before him. Than I realized that if I had gone back to that moment, I would not be the woman that stands before him today.

What am I today that I was not than? What am I today that I was not yesterday? None of that matters. All that matters is that I am finally who I was designed by God to be, who I have strived and dared to be, and a woman I am proud and honored to be. Somehow, in finding him, I also found myself. You see the tin man wasn't born without a heart, I was just keeping it safe until he was strong enough to hold it. He is too precious, too beautiful and too rare to just be wondering the city streets with a heart of gold. I don't know how I will ever thank God enough for the undeserved blessings in my life. I don't know how I will ever thank this mortal man for being my saving grace.

I don't know how he found me beneath this pile of rubble. I don't know how he reached down and pulled me up. I don't know how he sees me as he does and I will never know how I lived a single day without him by my side. I sit here now with tears of joy and appreciation trailing down my rosy cheeks. I am smiling and my eyes are closed. I see his smiling face, I hear his reassuring words, I feel his gentle embrace and I know without a doubt, that I am his. There is very little I am sure of in life but I am sure of him just as God is sure of love. He knows what it is and what it is not and after all is said and done, it is still the greatest of all things. L-O-V-E