FLOAT

The steal grey clouds begin to billow in the darkened navy sky. Fear and mystery dance between the collision of clouds. Total darkness is imminent. It rides the horizon waiting with precision to strike across the wild seas. The tides begin to rise with fury. Sea foam green begins to engulf my swimming body. Life begins to push far away from safety of the shores. My arms begin to paddle as if I had a chance of stopping the storm that was approaching. My fingers begin to tread and worry is stirred with outreached arms pushing waves out of my panicked sight. Uncertainty lingered in the dense air above me and the fury began to overflow in the form of tears. Rain poured from from the dim heavens and the earth called fury into the wild water.

The rolling sea became an abyss muddy colors and lost dreams. Regrets rolled in and doubt touched my face with every spritz of the salty seas. Hope poured from my body along with the heat. My heart was cold, my limbs were blue and aching. Pain spread across my flesh at the realization of the struggle before me. I looked up to see the stars lost in the suffering just as my faith lost in the pain and as the twinkling of the light miles above the earth’s surface faded, my mind soon followed. The waves towered along each side of me engulfing me, reminding me of the impossible fight. There was nothing left of the man that set out to sail so full of life. Vibrancy and courage were once his life vest. What can I do? I am cold, blind, tired and hopeless. I could not win this storm. I could not fight anymore.

I looked up with glassy eyes towards heaven and cried into the salty mist, God help me, for I cannot help myself. Still holding on to the past, like a weight it pulled my weekend body and spirit under the roaring waters. Wings began to whistle and whip. Screeching filled my mind with panic. 3.2.1. I was now looking up through the translucent tides. The world was quiet and the foam on the tip of each wave glistened from below the water’s surface. I knew this was my end. I closed my eyes and Gods promises danced across my weary eyes. I get Go and trusted He would hold on. I began to slowly sink with my arms spread open that in the vision of a cross.
Peace began to circle me like seaweed gently brushing up against my flesh like the merky waters silent tides. As I gasped for one last breath, lips softer than satin pressed against mine breathing life into my very being. Was someone here with me? Then a heavenly voice whispered through the raging waters “FLOAT”.

A chain of regret was unshackled from my leg and a chain of lost dreams was untied from the other. My heavy head fell back and with arms spread wide, I fell into submission of the storm. My feet came out from under me as I lay outstretched just above the ocean floor. Emerald green eyes appeared at the tip of my nose. They sparkled and filled with me light. “FLOAT” I lied there motionless letting the currents move me. I began to see lights far above me. The waters came to color. It felt as id the hands of hope were placed upon my back pushing me higher. I could feel someone was with me. Like strands of silk dancing in the aqua blue, her hair danced around me with the currents.

The light was closer. It was brighter. I wanted to swim to get to beauty sooner. I was anxious and began to move against the tides. Lips pressed to my ear from behind and whispered ”FLOAT”. With hands placed upon my heart, my body fell into ease. The crystal waters were painted with blue and greens. Warmth began to glide over my flesh and bones. The color was returning to my pale flesh. The waters suddenly parted. A warm breeze filled the rescued seas. Her body lied under mine almost as my shadow. Her fingers intertwined with mine she whispered “FLOAT”. Enjoy the beautiful after the storm.” She traveled with me although unseen. The birds glided like angels rejoicing that sun was about to return. It felt as if the sun would rise just for me. She whispered words of encouragement and love as I floated through the storm paths reminents. I was immersed in calm and covered favor.

I felt my heels drag against the coarse sand. Her fingers had slipped from mine. I was alone. “You are never alone” chin and raised itthe heavenly voice spoke. I pressed my palms deep within the sandy soil and came to my knees. An angel with her knees pressed into the sand before me gently cupped my chin and raised it high. “You will never be alone” she spoke from her luminescent emerald eyes and opened them wide to gsee all of, inside of me. The clouds parted and the suns rays danced across her eyes revealing shades of the ocean within them. She was with me all along. Her smile like the pearls of an oyster strung together with exact precision. Her golden locks were like strands of hope falling from heaven graced upon her shoulder like Gods mercy.

One hand I placed upon my ribs and the other drapped across my chest. From my rib an equal he knew had been created and from my chest, my heart beat not for my own survival. Our knees to the ground and there palms pressed into the soil, tears began to fall. The angel slid her hand through the mud…slowly reaching for the gift she had long claimed. She picked her chin up to look ahead at what was before her. She smiled for what felt like the first time. Her hands slid over me and the warmth of her touch caused my body to shake. She than raised her hand from the ground and placed it upon my chin and gently raised it up. She leaned forward and the palm of my hand was placed over her heart so he could feel it beating.

There was no hiding. There was no questioning. Her heart was beating just for her. When I opened my eyes I saw her reflection deep within me. I looked directly into her heart and soul. Her lips floated gently and graced his with a trust and tenderness and passion I didn’t know existed. The mud disappeared, the sun warmed, the laughter healed and the love, oh the love, save the strongest and the weakest. God’s grace was among us.

She placed my hands upon her heart “It beats for you”
She placed my hands upon her lips “They pray for you”
She placed my hands upon her face “My beauty was designed for you”
She placed my hands in hers “FLOAT”

“You once stood at the shore line cursing love and even life. You stood with your feet embedded in the sand, scared to move forward and scared to go back. You lifted your eyes to the heavens and cried out for God in anger and in despair. You felt alone. You felt unheard. You felt unloved and you fell to your knees just as you are now but, you see, I knew the storm would one day come. I knew one day the tide would call you in. So I went in first to test the waters of suffering, to gain strength from the trials and lessons from the pain. It is why you didn’t see me for all these years. I was dusting the oceans bottom clearing rocks from your known path to ensure you were not inflicted beyond repair. I was twirling through the waters to find the spots that would not get any colder than you could bare. I searched the water’s across this world for the heavens above them that would be filled with the most stars so that you could always see a blessing and gaze upon something beautiful. I choose a spot where I could hide in the background and watch you from a distance while you followed your heart that would eventually lead you to me. I saw the moment your heart made the decision to fly. I saw anger rising from the enemy that you would soon prevail. I saw you in trouble, regret and failure had you in their hands. I came to surface and held your hand in prayer as you went under. I was there the moment you submitted into God’s will. I am your angel. Your guiding light, your gentle reminder that even in the storms beauty exists. Among the endless waves and pulling tides, peace is only a surface away. I am your rainbow, a promise that God will not give you more than you can bare, that He will bless you greatly if you simply float throughout the storms. You see my beloved, the storms are placed before you not to drown you. Rather to break you down to a weakness so that you must call on God’s name to be strong. The time spent within the hurricanes is too show you His power but more so His grace. The storms need not to be faught. No need to fight against the tides or tread water. Your God walked on water and parted the seas. You do not need strength or a life preserver, you just need Him. No need to fret or worry, just float. You do not need to see where you are going, even though your heart desires, you just need to believe that God will carry you exactly to where you need to be. Float and the tides from even the darkest storm will bring you home to shore. Just float and the tides will carry you even to that in which you cannot see. Floating has brought you to me. You are home”

As the words left her soul and parted from her lips the sky high above parted. Baby blue and streaks of lavender stretched across the sky. Hughs of pink and gold gathered around the glorious setting sun. The water’s edge returned back into the sea and the dampened sands lie dry and gold like glitter. She stood to her feet with a long ivory gown blowing freely in the soft winds. She extended her hand and lifted me from the sandy soil. I stood before her in awe and in thanks. My mind took time to gather expressions, sounds and smells.

I stood covered in mud and seaweed with dirt under my nails and scars upon my hands. I was torn and needed much repair. How could I stand before such an angel? I was undeserving and ashamed. My head fell for my eyes to stare at the ground while my mind sank into old thought. I shook my head. How could I accept something in which I did not deserve? Tears began to fall.

My angel bent down to the sand and dragged her finger across the crumbled shells. She drew a cross and said “My love, no one is deserving of the love He gives, love is a gift. It is given freely and expecting nothing in return, just as my love for you.”

As my amber ignited eyes rose in amazement, she smiled gently and said “FLOAT with me. You will never be alone.”

Her eyes filled with a million tears that appeared as green crystals scattered across the earths endless journeys that I would one day take with her. She placed her hand upon my shoulders and turned me to look once more at the open sea. She stood beside me as we gazed into the horizon of fuschia and amber and softly said...

“Let it fill you, let it inspire you, let it move you and surely it will also carry you. FLOAT.”

A Mothers Hero

"You are my hero. You know that don't you?"

"Im not a hero"

"Oh yes you are. You even have super powers!"

"Oh yeah. Like what?"

"You make me smile when I dont want to. When my heart hurts, you make it all better. Thats superpower"

*touches my face with his little hands*

"I love you Mom"

"I love you and thank God everynight for you"

Serendipity

Spend all your time waitingFor that second chanceFor a break that would make it okayTheres always one reasonTo feel not good enoughAnd its hard at the end of the dayI need some distractionOh beautiful releaseMemory seeps from my veinsLet me be emptyAnd weightless and maybeIll find some peace tonight In the arms of an angelFly away from hereFrom this dark cold hotel roomAnd the endlessness that you fearYou are pulled from the wreckageOf your silent reverieYoure in the arms of the angelMay you find some comfort thereYoure in the arms of the angelMay you find some comfort here
Sarah McLaughlin

Jonathan: If fate didn't want us to be together, then why did we meet tonight? Got you!Sara: I don't know, it's not an exact science. It's a feeling.Jonathan: What if you're wrong? Huh? What if it's all in our hands and you just walk away? No names, no phone numbers, what do you think's gonna happen? Do you think good ol' fate is gonna deliver my information to your doorstep?Sara: You know, that's the best idea you've had all night.

Dean: What's wrong? You all right? Jonathan: Her name's Sara Thomas. [Jonathan hands Dean the book] Dean: How? Jonathan: Halley gave it to me as a wedding present.

Dean: Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny.
Serendipity

BUT GOD

This weekend wasnt easy. My life is changing quick. Sometimes I feel its too much at once. Ok, it is almost always that way and I know you can relate. This weekend something big happened. I was called on something that really made me think. I am a child of God, a daughter of the most high, so why do I cringe and become a coward when certain people speak or get close. Who are they to me and who are they to God? They have walked on me, hurt me, abused me, and at times tortured me. They have fed off of anger, deceit, hurt and pride. They have overeaten and taken there shortcomings out on me. No more. They weakened me and kept me down. Spoke ill things and wished bad things. No more. They maniplulated and twisted to be "right". They lied, cursed and yelled over my life, my body, my life for too long. No more. This weekend a man, a true man, said this to me... "but God". You may face him in a court room BUT GOD will judge. You may argue BUT GOD will fight. You may be scared BUT GOD will protect you. You may fear BUT GOD will reign. You may be a woman BUT GOD sees you as a child of the most high. You may be angry BUT GOD will punish. You may have to see him BUT GOD will deal with him. You may be nervous BUT GOD has a plan. BUT GOD. This week after I state my opinion or my thought I than take a moment to think, but God...What will God do? What does the bible tell us He will do? I must remember that no matter how many thoughts I have, no matter what thoughts I have, God also has a response and an answer. I must hold onto his response and let go of mine. I cannot get through today BUT GOD will get me through. I cannot do this alone BUT GOD will provide. I cannot handle one more thing BUT GOD tells me I dont have to. I cannot be full of fear BUT GOD tells us fear is not from God.

I CANNOT BUT GOD CAN

"One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
Carolyn Carty, 1963

Found love. Will travel.

A year ago you could have asked me how many times I had been to NYC. I could have counted on one hand. I could have told you that I never rode the subway, only took a train a few times in my life and that I had never hailed a taxi. My world changed. I met a man. Its quite a love story I assure you and in due time you will be able to read it as papers bound in book form but for now a screen will tell a story, or perhaps my heart.

A NYC boy and COUNTRY girl met 13 years ago at college. Oh but I was not the college girl, I was the highschool girl. Oooo drama! No. It was simple. I painted him silver for a play. He colored my world and many years later we somehow crossed paths, well, webpages. His picture. Wow! I mean seriously, this man is beautiful, chizzled, deep complexion, sparkling eyes and a smile to die for, live for.

While NYC is not far from me it seemed like the worlds longest journey. Although, as time passed any distance between him and I seemed like a great travel. Too far. Much too far. Inside a parking lot after midnight he handed me his heart and I held it in tears and in great appreciation for what this man truly was. An angel, to me.

His world and my world seemed very different. From color to location, we varied greatly but inside my life, inside my heart, in all my thoughts and my endless prayers, I did not let him into my world, rather he became my world.

Just days before I met him I turned down a relatinship with a man because I was not ready for one. I quickly realized I simply wasnt ready for one with *him* but my heart craved to find the eyes that saw inside me, to hear the voice that spoke life into me, and to hold the heart of the one that would complete me.

I had the Lord, I had my son, I have a father but one man was missing. There he was, all these years wondering NYC wondering what God was doing in life. Wondering when it would be his turn. Wondering when happiness would be his. I too wondered the same things. Day in and day out. We both married and we both divorced. We both came to a screaching halt in our lives at the exact same moment. I assure you Gods hand was in this. Timing is not something us humans or angels are good at. Many times we wonder if even God himself is good at timing, lord knows many days we doubt his skill on time frames for our lives, but this man appeared at what seemed the worst of times and it was. Yet there he was. Right infront of me.

I couldnt let him walk away. I could not let regrets pile higher in his life. I could not turn away such beauty, such innocent love, such care, such passion, such love as what this man brought to me. I loved him the moment my eyes first saw him 13 years ago but I fell in love with him the moment I first looked into his opened eyes, that night, in August, in a dark parking lot. His eyes illuminated my being. I was his.

As nearly 8 months has passed I awake daily wondering if it was all just a dream. Than i glance to my cell to read "good morning my beautiful angel..." and my heart flutters knowing that he continues to bring me to life and into life, with a vibrancy and vivacious spirit to face the day. He ignites me, drives me, creates me, one I love you at a time.

He is my harmony. My heart changes its rythm when he is close. My eyes change their focus and my thoughts become his. I often look at him and wonder how he has truly become a part of me. He is nothing that I knew but everything I wanted. As a little girl, I never imagined my dream man. I didnt desire a hair and color to please my eye but this man, oh this man, he pleases my eye, my soul, my everything. My dream man was nothing that could be created by even me and my inagination, he is true evidence that he was created by God.

It always take alot of effort for me to get to him or him to I. Time once stood in the way, than situation, than circumstance, than distance and now, well nothing stands in the way but ourselves. God has brought us this far, grace has carried us and the rest, well, its up to planes, trains, automobiles, and patience.

NYC may be filled with lights and magic but his soul is filled with illumination and promise. The scenery along the road may be filled with beauty but the view when I arrive at my destination is breath taking. I would do anything for him. Travel any length, go any distance, fight any battle, and go through any fire. If this man awaits me at the end of every hard journey, every rough day, every hardship and every disapointment, I would go through anything to look into those eyes at the end of every circumstance, every scenario, as long as I have those eyes. Those eyes. they sooth me, feed, nourish me.

So tonight, I will pack a small bag, and in the morning begin my travels. It doesnt matter how I get there, just as long as my destination continues to be him.

3 LETTERS

It was the second day of 10th garde. I was a student at a private "christian" school. I had been there since 3rd grade. Into my early days there I was sick alot. I had active mono three times in 2 years. We didnt live close to the school either, we had a 45 minute drive and that is a very long time when you get car sick, especially when your older brother yells "shot gun".

Students began making fun of me. Alot. I spent many mornings vomiting on my way to school, having to stop and brush my teeth, pull chunks out of my hair and fix myself up before I walked through the school doors. I also had panic attacks. I remember my first panick attack when I was around 5 years old. A thunder storm was rolling in while we were visiting my grandmothers. I felt like I was going to die. My little heart was racing, my palms sweaty, and my body trembling. Well, every since that day, when my childhood mind would see clouds rolling in my heart would begin to pound just like it did that one day. Many days when storms were approaching during class I would head to the school nurse and lie there waiting to vomit and tremble.

While all these "little" epsiodes were difficult as a child, dealing with my classmates was much worse. I was made fun of for being late, for being sick when none of it was within my control. It really was an awful feeling. Before long I dreaded the long car ride to school. I wondered what would be said today. I worried about how much they would laugh at me this day and the worries of my own health combined with the worries of what others thought left me to be only more sick than I already was. Nerves now had me hunched over on the side of the highway on my way to school. Fear now had me shaking and my anxiety soaring.

Mondays were always the worst. It was as if these kids had all weekend to think of ways to hurt me. I knew that "kids will be kids" but one day stands out clear in my mind. I was late, very typical for me. I began walking with my head down to the middle school principles office. He was a large man, a very large man, with an even louder voice. His body barely fit into his chair but boy did his words fit into my mind.

I sat infront of his desk and he asked "why are you late?" I wondered how many times he was going to ask this over the years. I responded "I was sick" He would than begin to yell, literally. The walls shook and you could hear him from the classrooms. I never listened to what he said. His shouting drowned out all information. If he didnt respect me, why should I respect him?

He would slam my locker door shut while he watched me, ensuring I was going to class. As my locker slammed shut and spit flew from his mouth he walked away angry and frustrated. I turned with my head down and headed to math class. I was just feel away from the door when I overheard the math teacher commenting to the class that

""she" was late again. "she" is always late. I cannot believe "she" actually made it to school on a monday. What a miracle. Arent we lucky?""

I stood in the door to see the sorry ass look on her face. A slight grin. She looked at me and chuckled. I held the tears of hurt in and walked to my seat. I began to unload my backpack to start my work when I she approached my desk. Her thick rolling ankles starred me in the face.

"your shirt doesnt have enough of a collar on it. go to the spanish class and pick out a new shirt from the bin" she grinned and walked away. Enjoying every moment she made my life hell.

Was she serious? I actually made it to class and now my shirt needed MORE of a collar than I needed math? I walked out the door and strolled through campus waiting for God to speak. Tears of anger began to pour. Here I was at a "christian" school and was being treated like this. if these were "christians" than I didnt want to be one. I walked taller back into math class and took my seat.

"where is your shirt?"

"on my back..."

"did you go to the spanish class"

"yeah, I went but I didnt go in... you didnt say I had to go in..."

The buzzer rang and I now grinned at her.

"oh you think this is funny? how about a demerit?"

"sounds good to me.."

"oh, oh, ok, well how about 5 demerits? do you like that?"

"why dont you just give me 10 and we will call it a day? better yet, give me 20 so I get suspended and get to miss class, again..."

I headed to gym class. As I was walking into gym I was excited to hit the floor, take out some aggression and anger, sweat it out. My gym teacher stopped me and told me my shoes didnt have laces so I would be getting a demerit. I walked away from her and headed to the pay phone.

"hey, hey, where do you think you are going?"

I kept walking. She walked into the little hallway and saw me on the pay phone but the bell rang and class was starting. I hung up the phone and headed into the gym. My bags on my back, I began to walk through the middle of the girls warmup. I got closer and closer to the door and her manly voice began to pierce through my brain.

"where do you think you are going?"

"anywhere but here"

I walked to the principles office. A man I truly admire and respect. He is retiring this year and I wonder how the school will survive without him. I walked in, placed all my books on his desk and told him I was done. He listened to me sob and cry explaining what my 8 years had been like. Hell. He promised me he would talk to the teachers, students, and end the troubles. I knew he was sincere, I knew he wanted to help but we all knew it was him against many.

This school always had an unwritten rule. If you were in sports and contributed to the schools winnings, teachers would overloook the things that caused ones to get demerits. If you were not part of the "team" than you would be looked at under a microscope and picked apart thread by thread.

I wasnt the nerdy girl, the goth girl, but I also wasnt the jock girl. I was me. The girl who was wearing high heels at 13, the girl who was a cheerleader that no one liked becasue I was prettier than them, I was the 8th grade girl on the highschool team. Insecurity, they couldnt handle. They knew I was a threat to their ego and to their dating life so they made sure they kept me far away through gossip and chatter. It worked.

My mother pulled up to the school about an hour after my phone call to her. I got in the car and told her I was never going back. Tears pouring from my eyes. She could see that 8 years of hurt had added up. I never went back. Never going back allowed me to go forward. I thank God for the obese man, the ignorant students, the woman with big ankles and the woman with a manly voice. You see, if it wasnt for their weeknesses, I never would have gotten so strong. "People too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours"

The few months following my exit from that school werent good. I had alot of healing that needed to take place, alot of anger to shed and alot of searching to do. I should have never picked up a bible again after what they put me through but in my heart I knew that it wasnt God or His word that failed, it was their ignorance that did. I knew that being a "christian" was not a title but an action. They could call themselves anything they wanted but I knew the truth would come in action and in spoken word.

I set out on my own journey to find God. Not who "they" said he was but who HE really was. I found Him. I drive past the school grounds some days with tears in my eyes. Memories of hurt and disapointment, than I look down at my arms and read the words and smile. You see, I didnt need a varsity jacket, or a cheerleading uniform to validate my importance. I didnt need for teachers to really care about me, and I didnt need any of them. I just needed the Lord and more importantly I needed Him to hold them accountable for their actions under the title of being His children.

There were a small handful of students that didnt leave me hurt. Many of them were not the same color as me. Many did not have the same interests as me and many were "weird" like me. Perhaps they knew they didnt belong with the others either. Maybe they knew exactly what I did. Maybe I was just the only one strong enough to say and do something about it. Maybe I wasnt the rebel, maybe I was just honest.

The moral of this story is to choose your words wisely. School is the blink of an eye. The words you speak are powerful. You have the power to destroy or build someone with them. Many destroyed me. Time and time again until little of me was left. They thought it was funny and that is was cool but it wasnt, it was just plain stupid. They were some of the weakest human beings I have ever met but I refuse to let others weakness affect my strength, my faith and my hope.

They hated me because I was beautiful, they laughed because I was sick, they grinned because they had power, or so they thought. I now stand a vision of beauty, a woman of faith, a child of God, a woman so full of strength it seeps from my veins. Joy that radiates from my soul and compassion that pours from my heart. Thank you Timothy, for being weak and making me strong. Thank you Mr K for being one of the few people there that truly lived as an example of a "christian" man. I am forever grateful that your light never dimmed among the darkness.

"All that is gold does not glitter and all those who wonder are not lost"

"You shouldnt be scared that you wont fit in, you should be terrified that you wont stand out."