I See the Light

Fall is coming to an end, just as a precious life. Today the seasons passed along with a loved one. The crisp November air faded out into the sound of Irish bag pipes. The wind was cold but the emotions were bitter. Hundreds of people wore black and were adorned with sunglasses and tears. I stood strong and firm in my belief that she was with the Lord now, but that comfort left with one vision. Gathered on the streets of a small town stood 4 young boys carrying their mothers casket. Their sister stood and watched. 5 children laying their mother to rest. The world seemed so cruel. I thought about how many children I had lost, I wondered if my child had lost their parent, I dreaded that I did not loose mine. Thoughts began to clutter. The old stained doors opened into the Roman Catholic Church. Priests in robes of white and gold lined the isle. A gold cross with the crucifix stood as tall as the cathederal ceilings. I grabbed my sons hand and we walked, listening to the endless soles of shoes tapping as they walked her to the altar. The last time I stood at an altar was just shy of ten years ago when I married my cowboy. I took a seat and soaked it all in. I replayed my walk down the isle with santa clause behind my groom, I looked to my son, his twin, who sat beside me. I thought back to the good times and to the bad, to the better and to the worse, and to the sickness and the health and today, till death do we part. The circle of life and the irony of God's timing has always remained a mystery to me. Today, even more so. Love has redefined itself many times over the past decade. Love continue to amazes me. Most of all, the love that God has for us. Truly unconditonal. I looked back at my own life and saw a life similiar to Job. Tears began to fall as I looked back on some of the most hurtful moments in my existance. I asked God the dreaded question, that rarely seems answered. Why? And than, right there, in the middle of catholicism, God spoke through the priest. "Life will hurt you. Life will sting you. Life may even break you. But is then, when life cracks you, that God's light can truly shine out of you and reach others." ~Father Bill. Tears literally poured down my face. No noise came out. This has only happened a handful of times in life, all times when I lost someone I had loved the most. Who was grieving for today? Was it for her? Or was it over love itself? The priest continued to speak from the Lord. He talked about how we all have done things wrong, we all have been consumed by something in this life, we all have done something that has needed forgiveness. Right there, at that moment, I let it all go and it poured from my soul, rolled down my cheek in the form of tears, and pooled at my feet like the blood of Jesus. Oh the times I had made mistakes, the times where things got so dark that I let go of who I was, the hurtful words I had spoken, the times that I could not take back. I knew God would forgive me, but would he, would she, would they, would I? Next to me sat a product of love. The most beautiful boy I have ever seen. Sure, times werent always the best, but I was convinced that only love could create such beauty. I thought about how God loves his children, and the tears began to cease. I looked up to a staindglass window towering over me. It was Jesus holding his mothers hand. The high noon sun began to slowly drift across the array of colored glass. It looked as if the picture danced in joy and basked in peace, and somehow this feeling overflowed upon my flesh and soaked into my soul. God took the wounds and closed them. He brought pink back to my flesh and joy back to my spirit. I looked upon the children of the mother who had passed, I looked upon the window of the mother who had lost her child, and I starred upon my sons precious face and gave thanks for every single moment of his life. It felt like today, I was given a second chance at life. A new beginning on the past and an opportunity to love like I should have the first time around. Love like Christ.

Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."