Dessert Rose

Parched and void I stand among the echoing of deafening silence. The sweltering sun beats down upon my bare back warming my shoulder blades as two of hot steel. Sweat dripping from my forehead and down each crevice upon my neck.

I stand in ontop the hot grains of ground rock feeling the heet pulsing through my flesh and radiating upward through my legs. I can feel the blood within my veins begin to boil. I am alone. I am dissolving. I am scared. I am helpless.

A lone tree stands barron. Its leaves long gone, it hangs it branches twards the ground as if it too was lost and about to die. I close my eyes and see a a tree filled with glorious greens exploding with life. Those days seem to have been years before. I wonder if that tree will ever grow plush again.

The wings blow strongly across the grainy sands of lost time. Past regrets whisk through the air and failures exfoliate my flesh, stripping me down to nothing. A sand storm is on approach. In the distance beyond my heat hazed vision I can see a mound of air filled with the sands that have traveled great distances.

I pull from within all my courage and all my strength. I see the storm approaching. Suddenly I see a piece of hope placed among this dead land, this dead life, my dead self. I have no strength to trudge through the sand but I must because it is calling to me. I am gravitated to it as if it were a magnet but as my weary feet approach I stand with a single rose upon my feet.

The petals are of peach color like my first loves flesh. The green leaves resemble her emerald green eyes. The stem stands long with a single thorn to make all perfections, simply imperfect. The delicate bloom lays on the sands as if it were its home, as if it were waiting to be found.

How long has it been their adding beauty and life to its surroundings of nothingness. How long as it waited to be cared for, to be watered. How did something so beautiful get inside my world?

The storm is brewing and gaining strength from my mistakes. It is moving fast and fierce. I fall to my knees in utter exhaustion and slam my clenched fists to the ground and scream into the air hoping my words will hit the horizon and fly to God.

With my head hung low and my hands folded in prayer, I begin to weap but no tears come. I cannot cry anymore. My tears have long dried, I imagined, until one last tear escaped and fell from my weary eye. It fell upon the rose and its aromas filled my senses. I lowered my head some more to feel the satin petal against my cheek. To feel life near me, beauty pressed against me, and hope to breath life inside me.

The noise became unbearable. Pounding through my ear drums. The storm was here. I looked the storm in the eye and saw its wrath. I looked at the rose and saw its beauty. I held the sand in my palms and felt is emptiness, I held the stem of the rose in my hand and felt its life. I had no choice but to endure this storm if I ever wanted to experience this beauty.

I held the rose against my bare chest and sat against the deadened tree. I crossed my arms and held my delicate flower. I braced myself with my feet dug into the sand. I close my eyes and prayed that I would make it through this storm.

The wind and sand howled around me. My flesh became torn and sore. The pain lasted for hours as the world inflicted its wrath upon me. Maybe I deserved this. Maybe I would suffer for my wrongs. Maybe this storm would destroy me. A single petal fell from the rose in fear. I held it closer. I breathed in its essence and felt its petals texture.

The winds calmed and the sun began to set. The stars above the desert were never ending. Clarity was all abound. Tranquility poured from the dead blue heaven above. My arms slowly uncrossed and the rose fell to my lap where it was illuminated by the moon.

Beauty abound glowing in the nights peace. I rubbed the petals against my skin to feel its beauty next to me. I held it. I caressed it. I smelled it. I soaked it in. I had found my rose among the dead life. I held my rose throughout the storm. Beauty and life was beginning to emerge. My eyes closed under the midnight sky with a flower in my arms. I knew, without a doubt, that tomorrow would offer a world of promise. I had been through the storms of life and found the beauty I desired. Now, it is time to live and overdue to love.

Dear Sara

How many times will I write you Dear Sara? I just sent you a sister... Please be waiting to hold her hand. She was so tiny and so small. I never felt her move. I never saw her smile. I never held her hand. Her hands will be much smaller than yours, so you will be her big sister. I have named her Patience. She fought the hardest to grow but mommys belly couldn't take it. Pain flooded my womb day and night. She was beautiful just like you. I prayed over you and for you as much as I could, but baby you and her could not be mine, you belonged to God. I spoke often to you often. Sara, Eden lasted as long as you. I saw her heart beating, her chin and arms and legs, she graced the screen like a dream come true. My belly bumped and round. I prepared a room for her that now sits empty. Oh Sara, why did God take her home? Forgive me Sara, I spoke to Eden often. You see, I knew she was growing in me long before I lost her. Sara sweetie, I didnt love you any less. You housed inside my body the longest but I didnt know you were there. Please forgive me my dearest Sara. You both will forever be inside my heart. Sisters. Dear Sara, you have seen your brother over the years holding my hand beside me here on earth. Show them who is he is so they can watch us too. Make sure they know to watch there earthly sister grow. She is so joyful, tell them all dear Sarah how much she will love to one day give them hugs and kisses. I know neither of you have wings as mothers hope you do but child, dear Sara, we all know that you don't need wings to fly. Soar within your heart. Live within your desires. It is almost Valentines Day. I lost you and sent you Grace the same month but in different years. A month that celebrates love. I guess this was a fitting month, even if it was for loss. Patience, Eden and Grace will all be painted differently than you dear Sara, but they will have your mommys eyes. Dear Sara, look for your mothers eyes in them. You see dear Sara, I saw you older, I have looked into your eyes, I know when mommy gets to heaven I will be able to hold my little girls. I know that day will come. Sara, you are the oldest, please tell them they are sisters. Please make sure that Grace, Eden, and Patience stay together, they were so close in time here, I would like them to remain. Last but not least dear Sara, there is one more. God never told me his name. His time with mommy was the shortest of you all. I said goodbye the same day I said hello. I never got his name.I call him Gabriel because it means "God is might" I close my eyes and see baby blue foot prints. I lost him right after I lost you. Please dear Sara, look for mommys eyes in him. He left mommy just months after you. He fought for the shortest time, I was heartbroken Sara loosing you, then he broke my heart, but then came my precious son. Dear Sara, I have given you 4 hands to hold and only two hands yourself, so instead just hold them in your heart. I will close my eyes tonight and see 5 little hearts. Four pink and one blue and tonight dear sara, please know how much your mommy loves you. Look into the heavens beyond the glorious angels. You will see a heart of gold in holding. That is your mother. Wait for me, do not travel far, hold onto your sisters and your brother. Do not cry because I am not there to craddle you, rather sing so mommy can feel you from heaven. I love you my dearest Sara. 12 years ago you left this earth but baby, you will never leave my heart. I know that I have sent you a handful dear baby, but you and Eden were mommys strongest, please take care of the little ones... Patience, Eden, Grace, Gabriel, Sara.... I love you, always, Mommy.

I See the Light

Fall is coming to an end, just as a precious life. Today the seasons passed along with a loved one. The crisp November air faded out into the sound of Irish bag pipes. The wind was cold but the emotions were bitter. Hundreds of people wore black and were adorned with sunglasses and tears. I stood strong and firm in my belief that she was with the Lord now, but that comfort left with one vision. Gathered on the streets of a small town stood 4 young boys carrying their mothers casket. Their sister stood and watched. 5 children laying their mother to rest. The world seemed so cruel. I thought about how many children I had lost, I wondered if my child had lost their parent, I dreaded that I did not loose mine. Thoughts began to clutter. The old stained doors opened into the Roman Catholic Church. Priests in robes of white and gold lined the isle. A gold cross with the crucifix stood as tall as the cathederal ceilings. I grabbed my sons hand and we walked, listening to the endless soles of shoes tapping as they walked her to the altar. The last time I stood at an altar was just shy of ten years ago when I married my cowboy. I took a seat and soaked it all in. I replayed my walk down the isle with santa clause behind my groom, I looked to my son, his twin, who sat beside me. I thought back to the good times and to the bad, to the better and to the worse, and to the sickness and the health and today, till death do we part. The circle of life and the irony of God's timing has always remained a mystery to me. Today, even more so. Love has redefined itself many times over the past decade. Love continue to amazes me. Most of all, the love that God has for us. Truly unconditonal. I looked back at my own life and saw a life similiar to Job. Tears began to fall as I looked back on some of the most hurtful moments in my existance. I asked God the dreaded question, that rarely seems answered. Why? And than, right there, in the middle of catholicism, God spoke through the priest. "Life will hurt you. Life will sting you. Life may even break you. But is then, when life cracks you, that God's light can truly shine out of you and reach others." ~Father Bill. Tears literally poured down my face. No noise came out. This has only happened a handful of times in life, all times when I lost someone I had loved the most. Who was grieving for today? Was it for her? Or was it over love itself? The priest continued to speak from the Lord. He talked about how we all have done things wrong, we all have been consumed by something in this life, we all have done something that has needed forgiveness. Right there, at that moment, I let it all go and it poured from my soul, rolled down my cheek in the form of tears, and pooled at my feet like the blood of Jesus. Oh the times I had made mistakes, the times where things got so dark that I let go of who I was, the hurtful words I had spoken, the times that I could not take back. I knew God would forgive me, but would he, would she, would they, would I? Next to me sat a product of love. The most beautiful boy I have ever seen. Sure, times werent always the best, but I was convinced that only love could create such beauty. I thought about how God loves his children, and the tears began to cease. I looked up to a staindglass window towering over me. It was Jesus holding his mothers hand. The high noon sun began to slowly drift across the array of colored glass. It looked as if the picture danced in joy and basked in peace, and somehow this feeling overflowed upon my flesh and soaked into my soul. God took the wounds and closed them. He brought pink back to my flesh and joy back to my spirit. I looked upon the children of the mother who had passed, I looked upon the window of the mother who had lost her child, and I starred upon my sons precious face and gave thanks for every single moment of his life. It felt like today, I was given a second chance at life. A new beginning on the past and an opportunity to love like I should have the first time around. Love like Christ.

Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."