Black and White

I have never seen people according to their color. Somehow I was born blind to the surface differences between myself and others. I think this has to do alot with the fact that I myself was judged based on my appearance for so many years that I made it a point to ignore the outward and throw away the cover of the book and look deeper into the contents. However, I have found the cover of those "unlike" me to be fascinating. Intriguing.

Growing up in a private school I had many "black" friends. I couldnt be more "white". It seemed the black kids understood me more. They seemed more accepting, more loyal. I know that we cannot judge an entire race based on few experiences. So, I decide not to judge at all.

When I was a little girl I made a check list of what my dream man would be. My friends and relatives would read it and ask "what will he look like?" I had no idea. I didnt have an idea. Blonde hair, brown or black. Blue eyes, green, hazel or brown. I would close my eyes to imagine this man but all I would find is emotions. Never a picture.

Well, "the" man has come into my life. He has brought color to my life and vibrancy to my spirit. He has made my life richer and added depth. His skin color is the sexiest thing I have ever laid eyes on. Rich, deep mocha skin, so soft, like velvet.

My sons skin color also leaves me amazed at how precise God designs us. His skin is a smooth, caramel color, silky like satin.

Than there is me. My skin is porcelain, creamy, like condensed milk, supple like a babies skin.

So many people make it all about black and white but what about all the shades in between and more so, what about all the heart behind every shade? I say often that I am not in love with a black man. I am in love with a man named Eli. More defines him than his color and I hope and pray that more defines me as mine.

He is so beautiful, his soul, his soul is breathtaking!

Drummer Man

It is just after midnight. Silence of the new day starting is upon me. The stars dance in the deep blue sea of the creators most beautiful gems. This makes me think of the moments, emotions and mere human objects that find a way in the oddest way, to make the most sense of tying themselves to proving they were created by something so thoughtful, something only God himself could create. It reminds me of the many things that he also creates deep within our souls, He overflows us with the most beautiful gifts that spread through our smiles, into our fingers tips and as a single note never once getting lost in this bog world so full of white noise.

Imagine a drum set. Circular pieces of various metals and materials. The genetic makeup varies among them just as it does to us as individuals. Some colors are vibrant and flashy calling for attention simply to look at there beautiful exterior and shiny fabrications. Others are intricate, small hardware intertwined, complexity almost to the point where even a well trained musician would ask himself “where is the manual?” The other kind, is that set that has been on stage time and time again. Used. It is full of nicks both on the surface and those that permeate the full depth of its surface.

Your fingers run across it and you can feel what your heart was experiencing the exact moments those sticks struck that cold metal. From the first tap on the snare, you no longer cared what it looked like, or what it was worth, all you knew is that you were in love and it was priceless. It was smooth, pleasant to your ears and holding it in your hands felt like home.

The new set has been polished and presented in a way that is hard to refuse. You know it will never meet your needs or expectations but it screams at you to give it just one chance. You can see its potential and imagine its stunning sillouette once the spot lights hit. Its luminocity will be unarguabley the most beautiful vision your eyes have ever seen but will it allow you to play it? Will it trust you enough to let your hands do the work while it mearly sits there and looks beautiful?

Its beauty is not tainted but its ability to trust is. You need a companion not one that was meant to steal the show. The talent is in the hands that will bring this instrument to life.
If your hands were gifted to make anything come to life, to create something from nothing, than take the set on clearance that comes with passion and appreciation for what it is. It is merely a vessel much like our human selves. A vessel in which we accept that we are not beautiful but God that’s works through us is. The torn and tattered hi hat reminds us of history.

The bass drum pounds through our chest as if we just felt love for the very first time. Our first kiss, the moment a child is born, life itself pours from the reprocussions. The vibrations flow through our fingers or does it flow out of our fingers?

In life we each have different roles, some a leading role, some an accent, and some an end note but in order for us to allow beauty to be created we must first welcome others with the attributes that we do not have. For without them, we would have notes but no music. We would have keys but no harmony. A delicate balance of give and take, ease up and push harder. When to hold on and when to let go.

Some days we all want so badly to be that bass drum. To be able to make a entrance all its own. To reach others with one blow. To appear so confident and bold. Some days we wish to merely pitter patter as a tap tap tap through life contributing but not really causing a scene or drawing attention to ones self, a simple meoldy. Predictable and repetitive.

I however see God as the complete set. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. All separate components, offering something distincitvly different and identifiable, yet when intertwined you cannot pull one sound from the other, for the minute they join, they become one.

Your heart is racing and your foot is stomping. The sticks twirling between your fingers. Life is at your finger tips, death is at its drum and all of life in between in resting in the sequence that lies ahead. How fast, how slow, how soft, how hard. You make the music but the instrument creates it. This I imagine to be how God saw us when he first thought of us. He made us but it is up to us to create and to allow him to create through us.

As all great things have a beginning and an end, when the sticks slap down on the crash cymbol, much like when the Lord said “it is done”. While the pages of black and white and highs and lows often seens tedious, between the lines is a freedom to express. Your eyes are closed and as colored lights dance across your lids. The warmth of the spot lights, the glare of the snare and the taste of creation upon your lips. You can taste the sound of sweetness and feel release pulsing through your hands. You can feel life bubbling through your blood and pouring out into your fingers. Your arms begin to move, notes begin to form and life begins to flow.

This moment must be how it feels to breath for the very first time. Nothing you expected, more than you hoped for and everything you ever needed. I guess the cliché saying holds true “Heaven is not a place you go when you die, rather it is a moment in life where you actually feel alive”

Secrets

Secrets. Everyone has them. Everyone has kept one, told one, been one, and known one. Damn secrets. I am not a fan. I am awful at keeping them, tired of being one, don't like having them and I know too many. I have found many of my "relationships" to have required a secret of some sort. Time, circumstance, and selfishness have all played their role but the most painful is BEING the secret. I wish I could elaborate but I can't because its a secret, of course.

I dont know how to write about things that I cannot say...and so many thoughts that say so much...

Silent Words

Black and white with points A and B
Visual and clarity is how I see
All lines of grey have disapeared
A hole through my soul time has seared

I wonder with my wings dragging in despair
All questions with unwanted answers, do I dare
My hearts lies throbbing with silent pleas
Weakness consumes me and I drop to my knees

The translucent lights illuminate my being
Faith, hope and love is what I pray to keep believing
My porcelain skin lies cold and weak
Evil prey, my soul they seek

I hear to wait and I hear to endure
My emotions overflow and begin to pour
Love endures forever and stands the test of time
But where is it drawn, the very fine line

My flesh and bones know only sorrow
My heart and soul hold onto the promises of tomorrow
Will I break or will I bend
Lord, is this an angel or a messenger you send

Once I rise to my feet I may find myself shaking
This life is what I make and this is what im taking
Im making true love mine and embracing its desire
Im adding more fuel to add to the amber within the fire

With wings of gold spread wide with the wind below
They say that all we reap is that in which we sow
Here is my heart of gold and the smile I wear
I love you forever, this I swear

Fight for Me

In the eleventh hour her cry was heard. To her appeared a warrior in the silence of dusk.

He came not by horse and not by chariot. He was carried on the wings of hope.

He stood before all mortal men prepared for war. He carried no swords and no gun.

He held as weapons only his words which were sharpened with precise knowledge.

Unbendable and unshaken he stood with his head held high. Not a moment too soon.

His heart spoke and the enemy was paralyzed with fear and questioning.

From behind his chest marked in ink unfolded wings like those of an eagle.

He stood swift in his words, strong in his actions and pure in his ways.

When the world around him became clear and uninfluenced his eyes headed toward to the sun.

When his dark eyes hit the horizon level with the men among him his soul pierced through the crowd.

He felt love pulling him in a direction he had not yet traveled. An area of unfamiliarity.

His eyes kept trying to ignore the fire that was placed within them.

The warrior suddenly began to shake. Not with fear, not with doubt, but with certainty of his desires.

His hands raised fell suddenly to his side. One hand placed upon his ribs and the other draped across his chest.

From his rib an equal he knew had been created. And from his chest his heart beat not for his own survival.

She was near. He could hear her silent knocking. He could feel her eyes starring directly into his heart and soul.

His eyes began to move quickly. Swift and decisive. Filled with passion and faith.

Just as the wind carries the autum leaves, his heart began to soar, spiraling out of control.

The wind ceased and his heart stood before her. The warrior stood unaware of how he ended at her feet.

No longer did he wonder or question. He put all reason to rest. All worry was vanished.

Before any words were spoken they both fell to there knees in humility and in respect.

There knees to the ground and there palms pressed into the soil, tears began to fall.

Release, freedom and love flowed through there veins. Overflowing into an undeniable joy.

The woman slid her hand through the mud…slowly reaching for the gift she had long claimed.

She picked her chin up to look ahead at what was before her. She smiled for what felt like the first time.

Her hands slid over his the warmth of her touch caused his body to shake.

She than raised her hand from the ground and placed it upon his chin and gently raised it up.

The warriors eyes remained closed and his lids began to flutter as if they were starring directly into the sun.

The crowd around them disappeared and they were sheltered with his wings spread wide.

She leaned forward and the palm of his hand was placed over her heart so he could feel it beating.

There was no hiding. There was no questioning. Her heart was beating just for him.

When he opened his eyes she saw her reflection deep within him. He looked directly into her heart and soul.

Without a fight and without words the greatest battle had been one. The greatest gift was claimed.

Her lips floated gently and graced his with a trust and tenderness and passion neither knew existed.

The mud disappeared, the sun warmed, the laughter healed and the love, oh the love, saved the strongest and the weakest.

Hour 24

It has been a long year in my life. Usually a year sets a standard time frame of 365 days. While this is true how long those days are varies according to our hardships and struggles. The days where suffering is imminent, the 24 hours in that one day do not matter. Our bodies, mind and souls will count the split seconds until relief is offered. What happens when relief does not come fast enough? What happens when life breaks us down to the point where we lie limp and hopeless praying that hour 24 will be better?
The brisk wind is spirialing outside my window. Lifes bedbris and loose ends scatter through the wild winds brushing up against everything around me. The dust clouds my vision and the spiked leaves poke at my delicate flesh. A circular current stands before me with what is left of fall. The wind whips through my hair and feeds the tornado that stands at my feet. Life rushes in and collides with emotions of my heart and my soul takes flight like the cascading leaves falling from the broken branches.
The whisteling and howling tears through the crips air while the unseen air currents deny life gravity, pulling everything up twards to the deepened baby blue sky that stands vast and innocent. Just like my dreams and desires the blazing colored leaves fly twards the heavens with abandon. Just like my emotions and feelings the scents of fall overwhelm and ignite my spirit. Just like love, all that is around me has no control, it is wild and wreckless but brings me to life.
I peak from behind the dusty blinds that hold in the walls that contain me many days of the year. One eye glaring through to what could be, what has been and in my mind I stare endlessly into the window of what will be. It is in that place that my heart is free to live and free to love, as free as the wind. Unseen, delicate and strong, a breeze or full gust, moving day to day as it desires to be.
As the air begins to settle in the setting sun decorating the sky with hughes of fushcia and amber, peace moves in and the earth is still. The beauty is overwhelming. Crystal tears fill my emerald eyes. They sparkle with appreciation for what unfolds before me. As I inhale to absorb and soak in the scent of fresh picked apples, the touch of a ruby maple leaf, or the feeling of the crisp cool air against my warm flesh, I am reminded that now must come winter. I want to close the blinds and lock the doors. I do not want to let winter in. But as the squirrels outside begin to collect the rememnents of a beautiful fall, I know my heart must do the same.
I must take with me all the beauty and blessings that have come with glorious season and keep them tucked away in the depths of my heart so that when a season of cold infliction comes gusting in, I can pull from inside all that I need to get me through the barren days. Even within a season that has been radiant, there will always be days where we cannot see the sun, even in the dead of summer.
We will feel the heat but see no rays but we also must believe that we will see the snow and not feel the bitterness. Why would God inflict pain and suffering on His children that he loves so much? He does not inflict. He chooses to allow but He also chooses to show His grace. So many think that God stands above us with a salt jar and spills wrath and judgement on our bodies collecting pain for our sins like a snail, laying hopeless in the pavement. This couldn’t be more wrong. We are more like the caterpillar. Created so small and simple to our obvious minds yet God gives us potential not only to grow but to one day fly. No one limits us but ourselves. No one punishes us but ourselves. God has already forgiven us. God will always love us. Now we must find peace to forgive and love ourselves. Every moment you worry about you, is a moment you could be caring for someone else. Don’t get lost in yourself or in your hour 23, instead let yourself be forgiven and loved and offer someone else hour 24.

Prison and Gods Love

I stood on the grounds of Solano State Prison. I stood in a line for over 4 hours under an awning waiting for my visit. I leaned against a palm tree as the rain moved over the hills and found myself in the most awkward place. The deserts surrounded me and the dry hills reached twards the horizon. The sun began to rise but the grey clouds interfered. Lightening branched out across the open terrain. The grey sky turned into a blue and the wind moved in. The branches of the palm began to rustle and a single rain drop fell upon my chest. Underneath this single droplet was my heart in ink. As the dry wind quickly turned into dampness and whistled through my hair I was filled with life, answers and a sense of peace flooded over me like a storm to parched land. The rain was an inconvenience, interfered with my plans and made my makeup run. This all seemed cruel and disappointing until my eyes looked over the chain link fence. Without the storms in my life, I would not grow. Painful or not, it must be. I could remain a parched plant in a vast desert merely existing or I could pray for rain to make me grow into something so beautiful that it would catch the most undeserving of eyes. I wanted to dazzle and shine. I wanted to be a light in the darkest of places, in the worst of times and undeniably be the one who choose suffering so that I could offer compassion.
My surroundings began one of the most beautiful I had ever seen. The skies of grey and blue illuminated and the light came crashing down. The hills blended themselves into the sands of the desert and the colors merged like water color. Unable to tell where heaven started and where earth began. The palm tree shaded me from the rain as it began to fall like hope on the darkest of days. I stepped outside the shelter and walked to the chain link fence. I stood there with one hand grasping the metal triangles, fingers intertwined trying to feel into the world just beyond my reach. I closed my eyes to feel the pain locked inside, to feel the regret, the worry, the despair. My hair became saturated and so did my heart. My green eyes much like the palms leaves opened and peeked through the cage. I did not see a prison, I saw myself.
Here I was in the middle of this beautiful landscape carved by God himself. Every grain of sand and every dried branch placed by His mighty hand. The palms danced like joy and the winds moved like His spirit. Graceful, timely, quiet and swift. The breeze was cool and it was quiet and just when I found peace I looked inside the walls on myself. I saw myself a prisoner of my own self. The cememt walls around me were not built by any other than myself. The chains that grasped my limbs were not held on by a shackle or a lock, rather by my own choice to let them remain. I built walls to keep others out and to keep myself in. I realized that being a prisoner is not scary but freeing is. I planned my life each cinder block at a time to protect myself. I placed emotional guards at every exit to ensure my heart didn’t go beyond its limits. I took away my name because it meant loveable and exchanged it for a number hoping to get lost in the pile and not be held accountable for my actions. I took away the foods that were savory and fed all of me and instead took bread and water only to sustain me enough to keep me alive. I was scared to thrive. I kept only one roommate so that when they left me too like the others it wouldn’t hurt as bad. I inked my flesh to tell my story because I was too ashamed and scared to do so myself. I took away my voice so that others wouldn’t know how badly I was hurting inside. I hid myself in the corners of a cell that I myself created. The stones of mistakes piled up and before I knew it, I was confined by my own convictions. I was my own jury, I was my own judge, I was my own sentence. No one placed any limitations on me other than myself.
My second hand reached up to the gate and I held on as if it were me. Holding tighter and tighter so afraid to let go. Afraid to enjoy the beauty outside, afraid to experience joy, afraid to become a name and not a number, afraid to love, afraid to live, afraid to be held accountable for my decisions. As the tears fell they called number 194. I looked down at my ticket and realized that I wasn’t about to step foot into a prison, I was about to step out of one. I wiped the tears, looked at my number and walked into the gates. 6 gates, endless guards, hundreds of inmates and I realized the only one that could keep me from my freedom was me. I left my chains, my number, my regrets, my mistakes and my own worst enemy named myself in those 4 walls and I walked out a free woman. Ready to live, ready to receive and ready to love. “Nothing can separate us from the LOVE of God, NOTHING” Not even ourselves.

Love and Marriage

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs

Today has been a day filled with mixed emotions. My best friend got married and I was not there. She is also about to deliver a baby any day now. Those two topics have been haunting my mind like a plague. Marriage and babies. One may say my biological clock is ticking, others may say I am simply in love, some call me a dreamer, but tonight as much as I try to remain hopeful, I am left feeling hopeless.

My body today is stable but in a few months that could all be very different. I dont want to get married from a hospital bed. I do not want to turn 30 and here the doctor say I can no longer have children. It is very stressful to want so badly to move forward yet be forced to stay where you are. Marriage and babies takes two and well...its only my desire. I have been thinking alot about my dreams in life and today my best friend lived my dream. I love her and if I cannot have my dream, I am glad it is her.

"You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future” Unknown

My City of Angels soundtrack is playing and my room is dimly lit. I am here alone, wondering when the pillow next to me will offer a permanent occupant. Why is mind thinking of all of this? Because I am a woman? Because something inside is telling me I need to hurry? Because something has been told to me?

Since I was 17 nothing in my life has been stable or secure, especially in relationships. Is it wrong that I want to get married and love one man forever? Is it wrong that I want to grow old with him? Is it wrong that I want to have his babies?

Why is it that after I swore off men, love, and more children, I find myself wanting those exact things. Perhaps I should simply purchase a new pair of high heels to get me by until I have some answers...I may need a purse to, and some cloths...these are some pretty big feelings and desires to shop off.

Tonight, well, this morning...I will try to lay here and listen for God. I need some serious answers...I need to be asked some serious questions. I dont feel very special tonight. I feel like a torn and tattered mother who doesnt eat, barely sleeps, and fights with her own body day in and day out. When I get in these moods, I am left with only one thing to do. Take photos to prove that I am not yet broken, that I am beautiful with dark circles and all, and most of all to prove to myself that after all the crap I have been through, I can still find an ounce of beauty and hope within me, to go on another day.

I am going to go snuggle in my sons room. I do not want to be alone tonight...

"There is no diamond on my hand yet I know without a doubt that the silverman is mine. There are no wings on my back yet I know without a doubt that I when the Lord calls me home, I will dwell in heaven. I must go beyond the surface to where my true self can be discovered. You will not see my definition in a mirror reflection nor see my true self on a 14karat gold band. My life, myself is engraved in my wounds, deep within the flesh, straight to the heart and piercing my soul. My beauty is not smoothed across my skin or made pretty by covering it in pink and my faith is not found in my porcleian complexion for all to see. My faith has been sewn in my suffering and watered in my tears. Anguish has not destroyed but nourished this tiny seed and today December 17, 2009 beauty is emerging. It has found its way through the muddy soil and is reaching twards the sun and the promises of life and love. Today, I will say yes..." Mandee Alyson

Pieces From My Heart

One of life’s greatest mysteries is love. Love is also one of life’s greatest challenges and it remains life’s greatest gift. People come into our lives at what appears to be the oddest of times, sometimes the worst of times and rarely the best of times. Souls collide in unforeseen and un-ideal circumstances but love has no boundaries. It is not held to rules or order, it knows not of right and wrong. Love is blind.

We cannot force love to emerge nor can we force love to retreat. It simply will be. Do we accept it as is, or do we wait for it to conform to an ideal? It has been over 6 weeks since I have been in an emergency room. I have smiled honestly and sincerely for the first time in many years. For once, I am at peace with myself and where I stand. I can almost hear the cue music playing and a voice overhead saying

“…and the award goes to!...”

A woman in a hunter green evening gown stands holding a silver man, extending it outward to be claimed by me. Winning. Accepting. Honorably. Thankfully. The acceptance speech…

A man hand carved by God, for me, has come into my life. Like a storms effect on the oceans current, like the product of rain on a planted seed, he has come into my heart and taken me to a place I had never dare dreamed. The man I love…holds my heart and all its pieces…here is to you baby, I’ll be your molasses if you will be my butter!

“Your spirit illuminates mine, your eyes feed me, your mind challenges me and your hands nurture me. Your kindess and gentleness astound me. Your attentiveness is out of this world. Your touch sends me soaring, your voice sooths me from the inside out, your smell intoxicates me, your thoughts arouse me, your ideas inspire me and your love, your love, makes me want to ask you to come away with me. No matter where we are, when I look into your eyes I can come away with you, the world fades out, the crowds silence and all I see is you and me. Your all I want. I love you.”

“I truly believe God sent me to you and you to me. I believe “us” was in his plan. I believe that at age 9 when I started praying every night for my future husband, that I was praying for you. I believe that the night before my wedding when I wanted to run it was my heart knowing that I didn’t have the right piece. That I was rushing the puzzle to make a whole puzzle and not caring about the details of the picture.”

“I have heard your cries and your pleas to God. I have seen your anointing. I see your gifts. I see you. I see the man that holds my heart forever. You brought me to life…”

“Your pain and joys flow through me. I hear you pray, I feel you watching me, my mind waits to be stimulated by you, my spirit waits to be enlightened by you, my soul waits to be at peace near you, my body waits to take you in, my heart waits for you…”

“As odd as this may sound, I compare my love for you like Gods love. Constant, never failing, full of grace,...the love I have for you is not all of this world. There is something about it that goes beyond the stars, beyond the universe, beyond reason, beyond logic.”

“It feels so good to be so loved by such an amazing, sweet, kind, beautiful, stunning, caring, loving, generous, unselfish man like you. beyond your carved exterior is a beauty that I cannot even put into words...its a feeling. Your beauty is a feeling. I look at you when I am driving and shake my head, I know u see me do that, and I am thinking "I cannot believe God created exactly what I dreamed of in a man...everything..." from lips to eyes to heart to soul...you amaze me.”

“Intoxicated with your love lingering in the early morning air, I rub my eyes to see a new day. My vision blured with love beyond the words and physical expression, my soul awaits to see the rising sun. It is you that makes the sun rise and the sun set within the depths of my fragile being. Illuminated with hope and joy that floods my flesh and smile, I glow simply speaking your name, as it leaves my lips I kiss it, for your name itself is to sweet to part without one last taste. Enthralled by your strength and your beauty, I stand in awe gazing upon the curves and muscles encasing the intricate soul that lies within. To see love pouring from your veins and tears of appreciation seeping from your eyes, it leaves me breathless and trembling. Captivated by your prayers and written words, I am left on my knees in prayer thanking God for the man that has choose to make me his. To see you , to love you, to thank you, to watch you, to taste you, to hold you, to touch you, to you, I hand my heart. Intoxicated. Illuminated. Enthralled. Captivated. Yours.”

Old News

Some asked me today “How are you?” and I replied “Great” Ok, what’s the point right? The point is that I really am great. Im tired, exhausted actually, confused, worried, scared, nervous, and a ball of mixed emotions but when I close my eyes…Im great.

The journey to get to this place of “great” has been years in the making. There is this one boy that I thank for giving me the courage to follow my heart. Even if in a sense it was too late. At least I finally took the plunge. Sure no one caught me…I caught myself and that is pretty awesome.

Today is July 27, 2006. I have just turned 26. And tonight I question myself just like I did that horrible night in December almost 10 years ago. All of life seems “up in the air” and I lie awake, confused and crying. In the past ten years I have ran and ran and gotten no where. I have not escaped myself or my past. I have simply wasted time getting to where I knew I belonged all these years. Why have I denied it. Why have I fought it. I don’t know. So, you are probably left wondering, where is she supposed to be? Where has she belonged all these years? I cannot tell you that just yet. My heart knows, but my body and mind is not yet ready to release such emotion.

The past ten years much of me has been a lie. Well, not a lie, but rather me morphing myself into the idea of who and what I thought people wanted me to be. I realize I did exactly what my father did. He lived that life much longer than I can. He is a stronger man than me. I cannot live a lie or a life I am not happy in simply to protect the secure lives others around me. Everyday I struggle with guilt. I feel that I should be able to bear that burden upon myself everyday for the sake of my family and friends. But I cannot bear the weight of the world. I need to lighten myself and my anxiety and my worries. But in doing so, many will be hurt.

The question is do I love myself enough to live for me? Or do I love everyone else too much and continue living only for them? Do they love me so much all they care about is my happiness? Or do they only love me so much they want me to stay to fulfill there own selfish desires for life? Do I walk away. Do I stay. Do I wither. Or do I grow.

For my family it is this that I wish. I wish they are happy in all they do. I wish at night they hold no regrets. I wish they always feel appreciated and loved. I wish they always feel important and valued. I wish they are always smiling. Why do I wish this for all but me? Why do I not allow myself all the things I would want for a loved one. Do I not love myself? Or am I selfish for wanting to love myself?

I appear strong, witty, humorous, loving, sweet, joyful and I am because God fills me with an unmeasureable joy, one that radiates and permeates my flesh. I glow with his love and his grace. But my bones that are human ache, lie brittle, fragile, reday to settle in and give up to the pressures put upon me. It is time. It is time for God to flow through my veins and renew my body. It is time for God to remove the people from my life that are not supporting me and the plans the Lord has for me. It is time to see ME be ME. It is time for god to break these ties holding me down. It is time to fight back. Time to let go. Time to stand up for myself and the plans God has for me. Time to remove the negative and surround myself by only those who can encourage me and bring me up. It is time.

Almost a year passed….a year of trying so hard to be myself…to be strong…

Im March of 2007 I wrote this in my journal
Tonight it is March 19, 2007. I realized my book has been almost 10 years in the making. And tonight, I realized December 26th 1997 was the last time I was alive. I never woke up… until now. And just when I thought the story would be ending, I am realizing it hasent yet begun. Today is a new day. A first we can say. The day I say enough about you, what about me. The first day I look into the mirror and Alyson smiles back. It feels good to be back.

Again, what is the point? The point is that not many people can recall the exact moment where they made a decision to do something and just did it. The day we stopped pretending and started living, a moment of brutal honesty. Not to others but to ourselves. The hardest part on life is to admit our mistakes, to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and just freakin change it. I changed it. And that’s why I feel great. I broke the ties holding me down. I walked away from the bad. I had the courage and bravery to be on my own. I was strong enough to be myself and not live in the shadow of someone insecure. I didn’t have to be like them. I had a mind of my own. I used it. I willingly became a single mother. I willingly became a divorced woman. I willingly became myself again. Things in life are only complicated if we let them be…I wish I got that sooner. If your not happy, change it. If your not successful, become it. My father always said “Live each moment” I agree, just making sure you are living it on your terms and not at the expense of another.

To: Debbie

I must say this week has been an "odd" one. A few days ago I sat in a crowded diner. A waitress walked past me and I began to sob. Tears just pouring from my eyes. The pain, the sadness, overhwhelmed me. I did not know why. I began to pray, I didnt know for what...than, she turned around and I was left with mascara running down my cheeks staring at her two black eyes. My stomach sank and I thanked God that I could hear her cries before I knew why they were released.

I sipped my gingerale and God began to speak. He talks very fast to my heart. Suddenly I grabbed the check and ran out. I found myself at the florist. I hate flowers. I sent flowers to the waitress with a simple note of what God would say to her directly if she was listening but since she wasnt I was bound to make his voice tangible. They delivered the flowers to Debbie from "Alyson"

As she read the words she lo longer had to wonder, does He love me, love me not, love me, love me not, she knew, she was loved and sometimes, that is all we need to get through another second, another minute, another moment, another day...love.

Will you...?

This seemingly human woman has found herself at a loss for words. In my 29 years of existance I have been both the sinner and the saint. I admit this openly. Too often I have found the line between the two thinner than warm maple syrup sliding on a buttery hot pancake. In an instant the drawn line melts into the bubbling batter and you are no longer able to seperate the truth from the fiction. In my life it is the very truth that has left me asking the most questions. I have found truth to be the most dramatic. The tricky part is finding people stupid enough or brave enough to speak truth without fear of judgement. Lying to others is easy, but lying to ourselves, even easier. Waking up one day and erasing all the grey like these very words, you are left to look at the black and white and well, the truth isnt always pretty and no one likes to see there ugly selves. Think of it this way, you rolled out of bed and ran to the grocery store to grab some much needed items. You didnt shower, Lord knows what you have thrown on from the dirty laundry pile. You arrive and fill your cart with ice cream, feminine products and than around the corner comes the man you have been lovestruck over for months. What do you do? HIDE! He cannot see you like this! you have been waiting to casually run into him BUT not under THESE conditions! Well, congrats, you have officially lost your chance. You now will never get married becasue you were too scared to be seen vulnerable and messy, but hey at least you can live for the rest of your life beautiful and alone. I would rather be told the ugly truth than beautiful lies. Life happens in truth. Personal conviction happens in truth. Growing as a person CAN happen in truth. The real question is, will you allow it to change you? Will you allow lessons to teach you? Will you allow failures to build you? Will you allow truth to free you? Will you step outside your comfort zone and thrive or will you stay simply existing? Thank goodness rambling is accepted in blogging, or at least I think it is. I mean, its MY thoughts and they come as random as roulette numbers. I guess we will see where the next spin takes me...