The Mattress Man

Some things need to be thrown into the dumpster much like the sign that once hung over my bed...

I have no slept well since I left the state that houses the man that I will no longer allow to haunt my mind. I began "cleaning house" both literally and spiritually. I found myself throwing out everything that held a negative thought, a bad memory or a demon from the past. The chains that were placed on me were no longer welcome nor would they be tolerated.

The first place I started was photos, letters, than I came to a screaching halt at my mattress. The mattress that was the enemies battleground for my weaknesses. The place where my mind tried to find comfort, where my body fought during pain, and where my tears of being "taken" saturated the cotton cover. I look back at the endless times that mattress was rolled down streets, driveways, pushed upstairs, wherever I had to escape to it came with me. Perhaps it was time it stopped following me. It was piled ontip on my car along with the expensive wood that encased it. It all had to go.

I found myself sleeping on my couch that had many dips and spots where you could feel the wood pressing through. I tried the beanbag chair. I began praying for a mattress. Where my body could rest, my soul could rest and my mind and heart could begin to repair.

With a little help from my hero I walked into a store with little money compared to the cost of the average mattress. But I believed God would make a way. After my son bounced from bed to bed and my mind bounced from price tag to price tag I was left feeling a little hopeless. I wasnt looking to buy new cloths (that I need) or new shoes (that I need) or some decorative items for my home (that I want) I was looking for a neccesity and frustrated I didnt have the means to meet my basic needs.

The salesmen. Somehow I ended up smiling and laughing right before tears broke through. Gods joy comes JUST when we need it. I had to look at the endless trials I have face BUT look more so at the endless trials I have overcome. As the man sat working numbers on his computer I began to wonder, what does this man need? What is a neccesity that he needs, that he does not have the means to get?

Of course we got talking and my life story began to spill out. Bits and pieces and somehow as my story of pain poured out, joy from within him began to emerge. His mind got lighter, his heart saw a new perspective, he smiled and shook his head while he listened to me. Than he got to the price I needed to have a place to sleep. He blessed more than me, he blessed a daughter of God and in return I believe the Lord will bless him.

You see, a good price isnt what I truly needed. I needed to inspire him. I needed to show him that you do not need a GOOD circumstance to have JOY, you just need God, in any circumstance.

I went to church last night and proceeded to add to my debt my giving away the last bills my purse held. Maybe the church didnt need the MONEY maybe they just needed to see that GIVING was not dead.

We never know who we will meet that will influence, inspire us, encourage us, or change our lives. We never know who will bless us and while this man blessed me, I felt blessed in knowing he had smiled for the first time, in a very long time. Who says you cannot smile over suffering? The joy of the Lord is not limited. The Lord is not limited. His works are not limited. His blessings are not limited and I praise God that some people, like this salesmen, still had a heart and eyes to see the Lord, in me.

I continue to pray for him by name that he begins a journey to find out who God is and who God desires him to be, what God has in store for him, what God can offer him, and I mostly pray that this man feels joy and smiles everyday because he deserves it. God bless you Mattress Man.

Mother,

I watch the lilacs petals drift off into the summer air. The scent of floral greets the sandy beach air. A hint of coconut slathers the skin in emollients. The sun has a smell, purity, life, a new season.

Honeysuckle grows wild between the emerald leaves. Intertwining each leaf with a fragrance so delicate, so sweet, almost intoxicating. A new day is near and new memories about to unfold.

Homemade chocolate chip cookies are baking. They house smells warm, sweet and safe. Everything is what it claims to be and security is found in every corner.

Your freckles have deepened over the years along with the lines. Your beauty has surfaced through wisdom, patience and most of all triumph. A new woman unfolds with each new smile.

The past melts like a burning candle, slowly fading into the night where our dreams meet reality. By morning the past is gone but the reminders are found in the puddles of overflowed wax.

Giggles and small voices fill your days and curiosity and wonder speak loudly throughout the restless nights. Your children have grown but youth has found itself among your childrens children. It is bliss.

On your left hand the diamond and gold are long gone yet the skin holds an indentation of what once was. A single tear falls as you see the smile he had when he fed you cake and many more fall as you see the love that choose to leave.

Love and patience has been sewn into your childrens lives, strength and wisdom have been sewn into you. God has become your only companion. You are a woman of beauty, wisdom, and courageous strength.

You have held your family together with your time and hospitality. You have mended broken hearts when lifes disapointements tore us. But your prayers mother, your prayers have not gone unheard. It is there, in that quiet place before God, that your heart can cry. It is there, that you have always handed the Lord what you could not control. Thank you mother for fixing what you could and handing to God what you could not. That is not only the example of an amazing mother but that of an amazing woman.

Break the Glass

A beautiful display of art stands behind the tempered glass. A museum of beauty showcasing the rare forms once seen. The subject stands posed in a familiar scene for that era, that season, that life. People line up at the ticket booth to stroll through the hallways adorned with captiviating extinction.

One window, one scene catches their eye. They stop and stare. Their hand covers their jaw dropped mouth in awe of beauty captured behind glass. So flawless, untouchable...

People begin to crowd behind, all waiting for one look. They are pushed along to see the other sights but even as they look away they glance over their shoulders for one more peek. One more vision. The next group comes along.

Treasured, unique and rare this delicate creature and its habitat has been frozen and preserved behind the finger print filled glass. The beauty stands their waiting day after day for one person not to just stop and stare but to break the glass and set it free.

Alive or a memory that lies behind the illusion of safety wants to be set free. It no longer wants to be looked at, it wants to be experienced, touched. It wants to no longer remain in its "original" habitat. It wants to see itself in new light, in new circumstance, in love.

The timeless beauty stands still watching so many gaze in awe, she doesnt want to be watched, she wants to be taken. Her heart screams "I need HIM, to break the glass"

Sleeping with the Enemy

As I was about to take my first steps into a prison, he got out of his car at the gates and looked at me...

Your not really going to do this are you?"

"I have to.."

"Whatever, fine, go get raped, have fun with that"

"Ya know what? You have already violated me for years, there is nothing more they could take, YOU took it all"

He sped off, tires screaching, wheels spinning.

That was the first day I stepped into prison ministry and into the annointing the Lord had placed on my life. It was also the first day I stood up to the abuse. Somehow, someway, the inmates saved my life. If they could treat me with respect, why couldnt he? It made me think, all these years I thought the enemies were behind bars, turned out, I was sleeping with the real enemy.

Too often the ones that hurt the most are the ones in our families, our spouses, our friends, decorated in society, supported by family and found living "normal", lives. They do not appear harmful, angry, and rarely do they wear a shirt that says "I abuse woman". Instead they blend in, talk quite the talk, act so charming, fool many but one woman knows the truth.

"Decoding the truth from lies is hard, decoding the people that speak the lies, that is the hard part." ~Angel Alyson

Educate yourselves and others about rape, sexual assault, battery, emotional abuse and learn the warning signs so that neither you, nor your daughter finds themselves sleeping with the enemy.

There are ways to set yourself free from the torment, the negativity, the abuse, the lies and begin to heal. Heal. Heal. Heal.

Reality for a Dreamer

I am usually not a morning or afternoon writer and today I will not attempt to be. Maybe writing is for dreamers. Maybe writing isnt for me. Maybe I need to crawl out of a dream world and enter this thing called reality?

What is real? How do you know it is real? Generally I would say, follow what you feel. Your feelings are never wrong. Your hearts cries are real but today, I dont know if that is even true. Today all I know is that I am a dreamer and even in a dream world pain creeps in. Reality hurts. Dreaming hurts. So what does one dare to do?

Dreaming is nothing more than masking reality with false hope and it appears that it hurts and pierces through the soul just as reality, only dreaming takes longer and wastes time. Why dream? Why hope?

A man once said

"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live." ~Mark Twain

I believe in life one should live with passion, putting their heart behind every word and every action. Speaking without fear and worry of judgement. Being comfortable in your skin and in your thoughts and being transparent. Being an open book.

A not so wise (apparently) young woman said

"Having to decode lies is hard but having to decode the people that speak them, is harder." ~Angel Alyson

"So, in my promise to be true to myself, I will remain transparent, no matter how ugly, how truthful, how disapointing life may get. If anything, at the end of the day I will have at least the truth beside me. I cannot say truth eases all pains or puts ones mind at rest but it grows in the soul and truth is contagious. This world will always offer pain but at least something good can pour from it, truth..."

So here I am. I am hoping that my sons smiley face french fries will put a smile on my face as well. He is pretty sure they will make his day all better, I wish I could think like him. He may be labeled as "disabled" but perhaps we are disabled in expecting that in which we cannot obtain. Maybe we need to dream smaller so that we have more of an opportunity to meet them eye to eye, with a smile rather than tears.

Marry me?

Where does my heart begin? Putting emotions into words can seem near impossible at times. This leaves a writer in a very awkward position. To take any experience, any emotion and place it into words is our job. Perhaps it isn’t the emotions I find hard to describe but the effect the emotions have on my heart and on my mind.

I asked a simple question last night. It involved 2 words. It could have been answered in one word. Sounds simple right? The timing of the question would leave many who know the situation baffled at why I would ask such a question at such a time. However, in my life I have learned that we should speak what our heart speaks. Maybe timing isn’t ideal. Maybe timing is just plain bad. Maybe the timing is appropriate but I am a firm believer to speak with my heart, when it moves me to speak. I lived too long waiting for the “right” moments that I missed out on the “real” moments.

“Marry me?” I asked wide eyed staring into his soul. I did not say today or tomorrow or when the time is more appropriate. I did not say asap or when I had the “right” to ask. I simply said “Marry me?”….

I didn’t have a ring or a plan or a date. I simply had a heart over flowing with love that poured itself into words that came out as such. I knew the moment I first saw his smile and his anointing that he was the man I wanted to spend my life with and to grow old with. To have children with, watch grandchildren with…

While the thought of a wedding is exciting to nearly every young woman, especially one who knows the value of true love, it is not the wedding that is what I am most interested in. You see, walking into a room with him near me is a blessing unlike any other. He is attractive, kind, generous, sincere, gifted, anointed, beautiful, smart, funny, well educated, he is everything anyone could ever want and much more than anyone deserves and while introducing him to my family as “mine” feels so wonderful, I think that only one opinion matters. Gods.

The place we are currently in is not all pleasing to God. I pray for Gods grace and speed to get us to a place where we are in the right ALL the time. “Marry me?” I ask this because one day, I want to stand before the Lord and be seen as “his”, in the eyes of God. Little girls worry about boys home to meet daddy but I eagerly await the day I can bring him before God and a blessing be given for him to take His daughter, her heart and her hand. I want my heavenly fathers approval. I want to be his in every sense of the word.

Is it wrong that such a question was posed now, at this time? I don’t know. I just know that my love for him is everlasting. Just like a ring, it has no beginning and no end, just like God. I love him. So I know you all are wondering, what was his answer? I met him 12 years ago, I have been with him now for 6 months. Every day I love him more. Maybe answers don’t really matter…maybe he is simply my answer. Maybe words do not always answer such questions.

“Marry me?”

Grace like Rain

The billowing clouds drifted through the baby blue abyss of painted water colors spread across the new spring skies. Faith sat upon the tailend of every gentle breeze and hope itself warmed the soul like the beaming mid afternoon sun glaring with life and promises within its dispersed radiance.

But the rain, oh the glorious rain, it was not water droplets that fell from the skies but grace itself overflowed from the eyes of emotions and I was saturated with grace like rain.

The colors of the sky melted as the dampness fell upon the vivid colors, washing them until they muted. The colors were long gone but somehow the vibrancy remained. With every rustle of the cool breeze between the fallen willow branches hope whispered through the whistling of the wild winds.

Peace was at my feet, pressed against my bare flesh with every step, peace as abundant and as plush emerald green blades of grass tickling my toes. When my eyes looked twards the heaven and the gems met the vast universe above. That is when I first saw love. Looking to the throne He sat in a midst of glorious angels in song.

Every last breath pushed a breeze of faith. Every tears shed poured out grace like rain. Every broken branch allowed hope to whisper through the bark, and every time my feet could go not one more step it was peace that got them home.

The cross stands reaching twards the heavens just as my prayers. In the silence, my answer will be whispered as softly as the wind through my golden locks. For now I will kneel on peace, breath in faith, warm with hope, soak in grace and love with all I have.

Sands of Time

It is a damp and noisy nearly night in NJ. The year 2009. I am sitting in a room that is mostly silence with small accents of crickets and unpolished nails tapping away at a keyboard and looking at a nearly blank page. An antique piano graces my vision with its alluring, timeless, classic beauty. Before it is even heard, its raw passion and notes of elegance come rushing forth as if there were tomorrow. Tonight, I think of all the things I have never seen yet have known to be true without vision as my companion. I reflect deep within my stunning flesh and travel to the bone of Gods grace within this tattered shell. I pull from deep within this bestowing glow all that I have to love just once more. The greatest of all loves stories are not those that held the most adventure, the ones that handed the most happiness, nor the ones that held a fairy tale ending. The great loves of our lives are the ones that too often slip away. The ones that come along at a seemingly bad time, or on a night where our mind dictates our actions before our hearts even get a chance to respond. This scenario is one I have found myself in before. The love of my life arriving moments too late. How stupid we are in our youth and in being so nieve to think that anyone, anything but ourselves has any right to say no to love. “Life isn’t always a dress rehearsal” we do not always get second chances and sometimes it seems as if our lives have gone wrong. So wrong. So, here I am. Myself and my piano and my words, all of which will eventually fade into the distance just like the hope this aching heart once had, a long long time ago. I want so badly to be the piano. Sitting in confidence and in tune waiting to be played in such a way that it would touch peoples ears and souls and even the finger tips of those who played. Waiting for the one who can tie all the keys of different sounds and octaves and place them into a natural harmony and rythem. The wood is polished and gleaming, its beauty is noticed even in its endless nicks and scrapes. It is in those flaws that history and memories have been stored and beneath the wax polish that they are preserved. Timeless memories among the beauty and the pain. The crickets tell me that is a very hot and humid night sky. There chirps rflect the motions of the wild fireflies that illuminate the summer air around me. At the tip of my nose a single glow lies hovering just beneath the horizon of the setting sun. My hand reaches out to touch this intricate creature in hoping that a dash of its brightness will rub off on my weary hands. It flies off into the pelican pink abyss and I am left standing in the dark. I can feel the wind rustle through my darkened locks like waves of faith crashing at the shoreline. My emerald green eyes wish so badly they could make my ruby shoes tap three times and wish that I was home. You see, he is home but he is not here. So, where does that leave me? That I just don’t know. I pray that his heart searches past the lies of this world and limitations of today, I pray that his soul and heart push him to find his way into my arms. Throw the hourglass and let the sand return the shores, tear apart the papers that hold you down and let the ink dry up like the dew in the morning sun. In this life I know that we can never go back but I am learning too quickly that we must not let today interfere with our hopes and dreams of tomorrow. Some say I am a dreamer and that I may be but if loving him is wrong than I don’t need to be right. Isnt it funny how life always plays a familiar tune? I close my eyes and my lashes dance upon my rosey cheeks. The tears fall down upon my chest and run to the ground where the soil will consume them. My arms rise out to my side as if they were wings of white and gold, eager to feel the wind and life beneath them in thinking they would carry me to the clouds of contentment and serenity. As nothing holds me but my own two feet I can imagine the arms of the man that one day will. I fall to my knees slumped in the green plush grass and wonder when my time will come. When will love find me? Growing tired from absorbing the world floating around me I lay down on my back to gaze at the endless span of wonder that the Lord placed right above me. I have been so busy looking forward that perhaps I forgot to see what has been placed directly before me. The dreams were not taken away, the past robbed me of nothing, the stars never vanished and the love never ceased. All Gods blessings have been before me and upon me I was just too busy thinking of the things I wanted to see and forgot about those that I could only feel.

Missing Pieces

Gods word tell us that... “Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense. There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance. In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of them all is love.”

Just over one month ago I cried out to the Lord in agony, in confusion, in despair. I laughed at the meaning of my name, Mandee which means "loveable". Hearing my name seemed like a cruel reminder of the many short comings in my 29 years. Every time my name was spoken I felt another piece of my fragile heart break off and vanish into a sea of self pitty.

At age 17 I was diagnosed with a life threatening heart condition. I was labeled with a heart of gold. No known cure, may be fatal and may lead to rude awakenings. In the early hours just before the sun peaked over the horizon with a glow of amber, my heart mocked my names meaning one last time. I looked out the window with tears pouring silently from my eyes.

My soul overflowed with past regrets and broken promises. I couldn't speak, I couldn't talk, I couldn't even pray. All I could do was hope that the silent pleas buried beneath the clutter of my heart would somehow fly to meet God in a place where my desires could be heard with urgency and answered with His grace. I rolled my eyes as my lips quivered wondering how God could be so cruel.

I looked at the 14 raised flesh marks drapped down my abdomain, I ran my finger across my once split lip, I held my belly as a grieving mother of angels I never got to hold, and looked at my empty ring finger. I clenched my teeth and touched the scar upon my neck. I heard the tapes of demeaning words and saw a clenched fist starring at my porcelain face. I stretched my neck that was once torn from wrestling a man who tried to take what was not his.

How much must one human being endure before they can experience Gods grace? How long must one suffer before they can experience healing? How long can one person love without being loved in return? How much? How long? I fell asleep around 5:30am. I was awakened around 7:00am by an incoming text message that read "You are loveable. More than you know." My phone had never seen this number before yet when I read it I knew the face behind these life saving words. This is where I, Mandee, fell in love for what I consider, the first time and what I believe to be the last time.

Did God send me an angel to love? Or did God send me a man who loved me as if I were an angel? Or was it both? This man has mended my tattered heart. He has helped restore my soul. He has renewed my hope and triggered an over all healing. He has given without asking to receive. He has showered me in a love so pure, that it could only be from God. He has brought me to life. He has colored my world. He has awakened my spirit and brought joy to my heart. His smile flows through me like a flash of lightening. His embrace warms me like the summer sun. I can hear his prayers and feel his sincerity rush through my veins. As his love fills me, the pain and past is pushed out. I am renewed. I am restored. I am rested. Peaceful in his arms, safe in his hands, and content in his eyes. Enlightened my his words, moved by his thoughts and driven by his ambitions.

Love at first sight, my soul mate, my companion, my missing piece, a part of me, the better part of me, my everything, my breath, my reason for living, one thing I'd die for...he has things I never knew I needed and is more than I could ever want. Cliche perhaps and over used, these words grace many famous novels and speak on many big screens yet they never had meaning until I looked into his eyes. Truth happened in his eyes. The gray all became black and white. The worry vanished. The fear withdrew. The anger was extinguished. The pain was eased and time stopped. For a brief moment after our first embrace I wished I could go back in time to when I first stood before him. Than I realized that if I had gone back to that moment, I would not be the woman that stands before him today.

What am I today that I was not than? What am I today that I was not yesterday? None of that matters. All that matters is that I am finally who I was designed by God to be, who I have strived and dared to be, and a woman I am proud and honored to be. Somehow, in finding him, I also found myself. You see the tin man wasn't born without a heart, I was just keeping it safe until he was strong enough to hold it. He is too precious, too beautiful and too rare to just be wondering the city streets with a heart of gold. I don't know how I will ever thank God enough for the undeserved blessings in my life. I don't know how I will ever thank this mortal man for being my saving grace.

I don't know how he found me beneath this pile of rubble. I don't know how he reached down and pulled me up. I don't know how he sees me as he does and I will never know how I lived a single day without him by my side. I sit here now with tears of joy and appreciation trailing down my rosy cheeks. I am smiling and my eyes are closed. I see his smiling face, I hear his reassuring words, I feel his gentle embrace and I know without a doubt, that I am his. There is very little I am sure of in life but I am sure of him just as God is sure of love. He knows what it is and what it is not and after all is said and done, it is still the greatest of all things. L-O-V-E

I have, you will...

"I have waited so long for someone to come along and love me like no other, I have held my breath and wiped my tears, and faced this world as an overwhelmed single mother. You will answer.

I have prayed through the darkest days and sat on my knees sobbing in my eleventh hour, I have looked to heaven and gazed in awe, and faced these trials and tribulations waiting for the release of Your power. You will move.

I have stood through the storms and sailed through the joys, I have held my sons hand, I have given without asking to receive, and faced these hardships waiting to hear the voice of God among this earthly noise.You will relieve.

I have faught the battles of this realm and that of the unseen, I have held onto faith, I have pleaded for grace, and faced these moments of despair, swaying but never away from You would I lean.You will protect.

I have trusted you in these times of worry and tears, I have received your grace, I have looked to the heavens to see your glory and faced these doubts with reminders of your grace throughout these many years. You will carry.

I have loved others like you have loved me, I have fed a hungry man, I have lend a helping hand, I have listened and I faced these moments with compassion, a love like Yours hoping that others would see. You will bless.

I have let my problems go and handed them to you, I have laid them at the cross, I have placed them at your feet, I have brought my desires to you, I faced these burdens with all my trust that You will do.

You will make a way.I have waited. I have prayed. I have stood. I have fought. I have trusted. I have loved. I have let my problems go. You will answer. You will move. You will relieve. You will protect. You will carry. You will bless. You will make a way."

A love story, among others...

Cinderella: [singing] A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.

As the words of my life come to an end upon the pages bound together I have looked at my life from its start and to its official end. It seems so often that in life just as we go to close the door the Lord places his foot in the doorway and says, not yet. Just as our minds and hearts come to terms with letting go of the things we have not and feel we will not ever see God places his hand upon your heart and says, its coming. Just as ourselves develop a plan and a path for our lives to play out God places his grace across our lips and says, not by this way.

Proverbs 3:5, 6 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

In the past month God has been very clear with me. I have not always listened. Times I have tried and failed, some I simply ignored hearing and other times I listened and followed through. I am far from perfect. Many nights I ask myself why God chooses to reveal himself to me so clearly and when this thought comes to mind God whispers “why not you?” I never have an answer. He has found me and you as deserving, loved, children. If He can believe in me time after time of failures and endless setbacks than why cant I? I can. I have. I will.

Nothing shall separate us from the love of GodRomans 8:35

I have wrestled demons of others and of myself, upon my body and in my mind. I have seen the wing span of heavenly angels across my darkened bedroom but none of these alluring, complex, and intriguing visions come close to what I experienced today. I have looked the enemy in the eye, felt their breath upon my neck, my hand held been held by the angels both unseen and visual. While all these moments were ones that a person is made impressionable by, what happened today did not leave a mark, rather it formed a mold. I prayed for God to show me the way, His way. Send me something undeniable Lord. Send an angel. Send an answer. Send joy. He sent a man instead. He sent him some time ago but it wasn’t until today that I realized, he would become my saving grace.

Jer 33:3 Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.

Angels. While beauty is often a word used in reference to these “beings”, “creatures” the one I have seen for quite some time now is not like the “others”. A human man. I close my eyes and I see his smile. It is an amazing smile. When his lips part and a grin drapes across his smooth complexion, a smile doesn’t just form, joy pours itself outward and illuminates me as if I were its only guest. This smile has had my attention since the first moment I saw it. I did not see a face, or a body, or a voice, just this smile. I barely know him. You could say I met him by chance a long long time ago like most fairy takes begin. But the truth is, this angel is a stranger to me yet it doesn’t matter. I feel like I have known him for years.

Princess Aurora: Well, I'm really not supposed to speak to strangers, but we've met before.
Sleeping Beauty

I am drawn to him. Like a magnet that has an opposite force. A plus and a negative. In this world that should equal a wrong. Things that look alike, act alike, think alike, surely should be what forms a positive but this, that thought, could not be more negative.

The force between two magnetic poles is given by:
[1] insert math quotation here

The weeks passed have been odd. I have shut out a handful of people. I have welcomed a few. Several, I have tried to forget, some I hold on to remember and others I wish to learn of. In my mind there is a list of all these but there is one that shines brighter than them all. He does not shine because I have painted him in silver or gold. He does not shine because he stands in a spotlight. I thought that if I wore my sunglasses the glow would fade. I thought if I hid the words that his appeal would diminish. Instead, his glow remained steady. He does not shine because his laughter illuminates him. He shines and I do not know why.

Alice: If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?
Alice in Wonderland

I had a long talk with God about men, life, health, my wants, His will, just about everything a hormonal woman could think of. He said nothing. Just listened. I lied down Saturday night in a recliner, in my mothers spare room. I tossed and turned just like all the other nights. I reflected on my book and fumbled with vicitous names. Than I thought of my own name which means “loveable”. I began to cry. I got angry at life, circumstances, situations, emotions, people…and I laughed with the tears falling to my pillow I muttered “loveable…how ridiculous”.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
Psalm 30:5

I watched the sun come up and dozed off somewhere are 6 am. Usually I awake to a cell screen filled with texts that have come in the quiet of morning just after I have fallen asleep. Messages of all types of others plans for the day, needs for the day, requests for the day but this day God said, today is your day. I awoke to single text message that saved me and in this message was the word “loveable”. It came from a number that was not saved into my phone. One I had never seen. Yet when I read it, I could feel the joy, the same joy I had seen in this smile.

Matthew 15:28 Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

Than today life as I knew it changed forever. I spoke to a man today. This is not odd, I assure you. I speak to many people. He said “Hello Mandee” and at that exact moment it was as if God pulled the clouds apart, opened the heavens, and handed me a gift. At that exact moment, the sound and vibration in his voice triggered an “ON” switch. I could feel that something had changed. That the energy flowing through my veins had surged and I was functioning with a newness. I have no idea what button was pushed. I have no idea what the button is for. No idea what it controls or what it releases. But this voice was made for this button.

1 Peter 1:8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.

I have been walking around today feeling “different”. I feel like life is flooding through my sludged veins. I feel like lightening is beneath my feet tingling in every step. I feel like my heart is no longer heavy, its floats instead of sinks. I feel like my words make sense and that my questions no longer weigh me down. I feel like my eyes are brighter not because they reflect the sun but because they reflect him. I feel like my smile is an emotion and not a trait. I feel like my faith is everything and my worries are none. I feel like my hands are ready to do the works of the Lord and my fingers were meant to interlock with his while I do so. I feel like a dream just occurred but I have never been more awake. I feel that everything this world says I cannot do is a lie and I feel that it is time.

Seth: You're an excellent doctor. Maggie: How do you know? Seth: I have a feeling. Maggie: That's pretty flimsy evidence. Seth: Close your eyes. It's just for a moment. [touches her hand] Seth: What am I doing? Maggie: You're... touching me. Seth: Touch. How do you know? Maggie: Because, I feel it. Seth: You should trust that. You don't trust it enough.
City of Angels

Therefore my heart is glad and my glory [my inner self] rejoices; my body too shall rest and confidently dwell in safety. Psalm 16: 9

Something happened today. Something bigger than myself. My favorite movie says that “some things are true whether we believe them or not…” No questions were asked yet I already believe. He is a walking yes to a question that I do not know. He is a feeling that I have never felt. He is a voice that I have never heard with such clarity, even in his silence. He is a smile that I feel and not only see. He is a soul that I look at in awe at its beauty and complexity. He is a mere man that I see as an angel walking among us and standing so near to me in heart, thought and respect. In the middle of this I come to an 80’s song, “How do you talk to an angel…?” I guess just like I did today.

(Heb 13:2 NRSV) Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing that some have entertained angels without knowing it.

Jamie: You know what I figured out today? Landon: What? Jamie: Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself. Like this journey never ends. Like you were sent to me because I'm sick. To help me through all this. You're my angel.
A Walk to Remember

What switched was turned to “ON”. What does it do? Why did I never know I had this switch? I hope this switch never sees “OFF” again. I do not believe it will. Something unseen was started by unseen hands and of unknown cause. While everything seems so vague and leary, all I feel is clarity and certainty. It is as if my eyes are seeing through his smile. Everything just looks so full of joy. Today my life changed. I wish I could tell you exactly how but no one has yet told me. I wont stop and question it, instead I will give thanks for it. Only God could create someone, something this beautiful, so I can only welcome it, accept it and cherish it as the precious gift it is.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. - John 15:12-13

A creation of God filled with strings of compassion, notes of love, sharps of faith and chords of grace, all strung together by the greatest composer of this unknown symphony. I see the music, I see the intstruments and while none of it appears possible to be poured into harmony, I remember “Contrapuntal” meaning that the melody is shared between DIFFERENT instruments playing INORDER to produce and overall melody when ALL instruments are playing.

Steve Lopez: I've never loved anything the way he loves music.
The Soloist

So, tonight I cannot play “name that tune”, I cannot hum this song in my heart and I cannot write the music in my mind, all I can do is pray that is all falls into perfect harmony.

Psalm 150:1-6
1 Praise the LORD. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. 2 Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness. 3 Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, 4 praise him with tambourine and dancing, praise him with the strings and flute, 5 praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals.
6 Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD.

I am going to end this with Ferris Bueller, how profound I know…but…”Life moves pretty fast sometimes, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you may just miss it.” I believe that God blesses us as He promised. I believe too often we overlook these blessings because our eyes are focused on what we want to achieve and are looking at where we want to go. We are so busy looking at ourselves that we don’t see God and His relfection in others. Yesterday the words I read were a blessing, his voice was a reflection and his smile…oh boy, that smile!

John 1:16 (NIV)From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another.

Sometimes life doesn’t happen like it does in the greatest of books or the most entertaining of movies and much too often the heartfelt emotion and drama is found in truth rather than in fiction. In this world and in this life we all seem to be searching for love. We want someone to love, someone to love us, perhaps even to love ourselves. Some days I feel like Alice in wonderland, occasionally like Sleeping Beauty, hoping to one day become Cinderella but really I think it was dear Dorothy who said it best.

The Tin Man: What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I - I think thats it - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with!


What does your heart desire? What do you want and need to ask God for? Do you believe you will receive it? Are you ready to receive it? Do you believe in angels? Love, what do you think about love? Do others see God in you? Do you know God when you see him? Are you looking? Life is filled with endless questions and multiple answers but the only one that matters is the one that is true. Be honest with yourself, always follow your heart, make your dreams come true, and most of all, let God in. The world builds enough walls to keep Him out YOU must build your own to keep Him in. Today we stand among our loved one and strangers by Gods shear grace. Cherish the ones you hold, pray for the ones you cannot and dream of the ones you wish too.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,That saved a wretch like me.I once was lost but now am found,Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.And Grace, my fears relieved.How precious did that Grace appearThe hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snaresI have already come;'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus farand Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.His word my hope secures.He will my shield and portion be,As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,And mortal life shall cease,I shall possess within the veil,A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand yearsBright shining as the sun.We've no less days to sing God's praiseThan when we've first begun.

Healing Hands

Healing.

Healing is defined as


"v. healed, heal·ing, heals
v.tr.
1. To restore to health or soundness; cure. See Synonyms at cure.
2. To set right; repair: healed the rift between us.
3. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness.
v.intr.
To become whole and sound; return to health."


How does healing occur? How is it obtained?


The 3 men in my life hold a power of healing within their hands. Each one vastly different from the other. Healing and a sense of peace flow from within their spirit, their words, their touch and even in their silence.


The first man I ever loved, my father, has always been a healer to me. He has always known what to say, how to say it and when to say it. Not always when I wanted to hear it...


As a child my safety was found in my fathers presence. I remember as a little girl I would sit and watch him work on the house. I was always drawn to how his hands looked. Rustic, tough, grease under the nails and perfectly carved wrinkles that told his story. You didnt need to be a plam reader to know that he worked hard and sacrificed it all. However, in the middle of this leather stability was a softness, a tenderness and a love that was softer and more tender, than the skin of an innocent child. His hands...healing.


My son came home from church one evening. He was excited. His big brown eyes sat batting infront of me. He placed out his hands and whispered, "I have healing hands..." a smile creeped across his face and his eyes widened deeper than the Pacific. He than casually walked away. My world changed because he has noticed his annointing and he walked away with those hands hummbled and honored, appreciative and excited.


On the palm of his tiny hands lays a small brown mole. Since he was a baby I have always felt this tiny "blemish" was a simple reminder that the Lord has touched his hands and would remain with him for his entire life. The Lord would remain with him, all he had to do is decide to let him.


The bible talks about a man named Eli. I talk about one also. His hands are obviously different from the ones I have seen most in my life. The irony is that I saw his healing hands within his smile and his renewing is found burried in his words yet flows through his hands.


Whatever his hands touch scream healing. His heart, emotions, and love for others flows through his fingers and are expelled into the air and into your spirit reguardless of what creative outlet is used. Healing drenches his art and brings wholeness.


While these 3 sets of physical hands allow a spiritual whirlwind of new life, we must remember that these hands all work only because the Lord has chosen to let them. Just like a piece of machinery, we have been designed to work as our creator intended and we all know that we work better and more efficently when we follow the manufacturers directions rather than our own.


So why do we insist on mushing the directions into a ball and leaving the functionality of our thoughtful design to our miserable attempt of "do it yourself" building and repairing?


Healing.

Beauty

Being beautiful is generally not an easy task. However being "beautiful" for me is easy. I do not go tanning, I do not do my nails, I cut my own hair, I purchase cheap makeup, I do not spend hours in the gym (any time in the gym actually), I eat too much cheese, and drink too much coffee with extra cream, I love salt and I eat bread soley for the sake of butter. I do not have my hair professionally colored nor do I bask in the luxuries of massages, expensive dinner with the girls and cosmos after work.

Beauty is ironic to me. Nothing about my life do I see as beautiful, except my son of course. I am really just the girl next door who happens to look like the girl on stage, the big screen or the magazine cover. SO, what does a girl do with beauty that she has no need for? Its not my job, not an investment, I do not hold myself to social standards based on my current "look", so, why be beautiful? Do I have any control of my beauty or does it have a mind of its own? Is my beauty only surface or does it cut straight into my soul? Beauty. Is it a blessing or a curse, its the age old question. Does anyone know the answer?

Maybe after my 30 years of existance this age old mystery will finally be solved. Too bad I will be forever 29. Is it ok to not have all the answers? Perhaps God doesnt give us the answer because He knows we will not like it. Maybe Him holding back isnt cruel, maybe its a blessing. Perhaps beauty isnt the curse but the answer is.

The Battle Within

The biggest battle we will fight in life is the battle within ourselves. The battle to admit our wrongs and the courage to attempt to change them. Too often our realizations of what we lost come too late and the realization happens far past opportunity. This is usually where others crumble in misery of past regret. The past few days God has prepared a plan for me and laid it before me. I have overlooked it and reviewed it. Reasoned with it and argued with it. But I am learning that there are some things in life that simply are. Take love for example. Love is love. Whether it be past, present or future. Once you have loved someone that love never goes away. It usually gets masked behind lust, distraction, or other new things but the harsh reality is that the love remains. Because true love is undestructable. Unbreakable. Bound together let no man separate. Reason, logic, reality, or hope. Maybe it all intertwines at some point. I think I witnessed the fine point it all comes down to. Its not one moment, or one thing, or one word or one look, it’s a callage of lifes events, feelings, emotions, promises, and dreams all hitting one point. No matter how twisted they got along the way, no matter what was lost in translation, it all ultimately leads to one desired destaination. Can arriving at this destination be possible with all lifes detours? I say yes. It is just a matter of who is strong enough to travel the back roads, the roads not paved, it’s a matter of working around the detours, through the hail, up hill in the snow and looking at what you want and setting off to get it no matter what it takes to get there. The greatest man I have ever known said this ...


"Baby, I would do right for you, I would do wrong for you, I would do anything for you..."


He is mine. Forever.

Silent Pleas

I can hear the rain outside falling Discouragement is all I hear calling I am alone with no ones hand to hold What is left of me will not be sold For I know tomorrow the sun will rise Tonight my heart breaks with silent cries I plea and wonder and cry out why Why have I been left to die To be chosen to face such struggle I do not know They say that what we reap is what we sow Giving all that I am and all that I have is what I do If only others could see, if only they knew The nights I cry in hope and prayer Praying for release of others greatest despair But when the day is done, here I am Nothing more than a mortal man The doings of a sinner and a saint Lord please answer before it is too late I know your grace is abound Near me I can feel your angels surround But as the darkness and faith falls Build up strength and love in the form of walls Not to keep others out but to draw them in To turn away from wrong and leave a life of sin My heart is lonely and craving a love that cannot be It is your plans that I wait to see Reasons and questions I will always seek and ask Behind the truth there lies a mask A place where reason and logic come to meet A place at the right hand of your seat Why must my heart remain so broken When the words of your name I have obediently spoken Why must my hands have not another to hold Perhaps you are creating yet the perfect mold Tonight I want to cry and break down in all of my storms Sadness, anxiousness and helplessness around me it sworms Help me to rise above it all in honesty and grace Bring me to a higher ground, a safer place Fill the empty void that my heart possesses Stop the disease in my body as it progresses Bring to me an angel that I know to be true Let me rest tonight with all my faith in you.

My Father. My Hero. His Heart.

Less than a year ago I experienced the worst pain I have ever encountered. I woke up groggy. I went to check my cell phone. It was odd that it had not made much noise that morning. Well, more like afternoon. I reached over and saw my cell phone was dead. I plugged it in and turned it on. I rubbed my eyes and stretched wondering what today was going to be like. My cell phone began to beep. One missed call. Two missed calls. Three missed calls. Four missed calls...all from my fathers cell phone.

Just than my cell phone rang again. It was my father. I picked up anxiously wondering if everything was ok. Than I heard his girlfriends voice. "Your father had a heart attack...." I instantly stood up from my bed and fell to my knees. They went weak. My body went lifeless. "What? When? Where is he? Where is he!!!?" I began sobbing hysterically and the room went warm and fuzzy. "He is alive...he is alive..." she said.

The phone fell from my hands and my mother came running. "Da...daaaa...dad, heart attack, not dead..." I managed to mumble. My mother placed her hand under my chin and lifted my face up so my eyes could meet hers. "Its ok...we can do this...we can do this..." she said with complete confidence. I put the phone back to my ear and got the information of where he was. I picked my son up from school and began to drive. The world around me disapeared. What would I tell my son? He instantly asked why I was crying. I told him grandpas heart had broken. My son looked at me with those big brown eyes filling with tears and said "Is he dead?"

When I was laying on my floor after receiving the news. I began to punch the floor. I yelled at God and begged and pleaded that He would spare my fathers life. I told God to put all my fathers wrongs on me and let him live. His heart had been broken emotionally many times in his life. The loss of his brother, an abusive father, expectations of himself and others, high demands and now the physical aspects had hit hard. His life was about to change.

I turned the corner in the cardiac care unit to find my father laying in a hospital bed. Covered in IV's, monitors and tubes. A scenario that was familiar to me, except I had always been the patient. I wanted to squeeze him, cry and hold his hand and pray for him but I didnt. Instead I gently hugged him, held his hand, thanked God for him and studied the lines of his face, the texture of his skin, the color of his eyes, the sound of his voice, I studied him.

Just as the IV fluids trickled down one at a time so did my realizations of what I had put my father through over the years as his naive little girl. I have always loved my father, more so sometimes than I know what to do with it. I have an incredible desire to protect him but from what? Pain, disapointments or regrets? I often feel guilty for my fathers misery. I feel like if he didnt have to be "responsible" and raise a family, that maybe he would have followed his dreams and been happy and never had a heart attack. Maybe it was the second child, that was one too many, that sent his heart into worries about bills, college and letting go of his dreams to make room for reality.

Now that I am a parent, I know that my father would still have his little girl all over again knowing how it all would end. I know the minute he held me his world changed and he somehow began to find his dreams right there inside his reality. I know I did when I held my son.

Sometime I think my father and I are too much alike. I see more of him in myself as I "grow up". But the truth is, no one will ever be as great as my father. He is not a hero just becasue he is my daddy and I am his little girl. He is a hero overall. He has always been responsible, caring, self sacrificing, humble, witty, full of knowledge and a sense of humor so dry, it might as well be an Italian wine.

While my father does and says things that often make no sense, or does things I would never agree with, its his heart and I dont ever want it broken. Ever. My father...his yittle girl...always, nothing can break the tie from my heart to his. He is my lifeline, my bloodline, and if his heart ever breaks, he can have mine...he already does.